"I feel like I've never had a home, you know? I feel related to the country, to this country, and yet I don't know exactly where I fit in... There's always this kind of nostalgia for a place, a place where you can reckon with yourself."
~Sam Shepard~
If there is one feeling I will never wish upon my worst enemies it
is to not have the understanding of what it is like to have a home. The
word "home" means more to me now that it ever has, because I realize
now that you don't just go to your home.............you create it, and you
do it with the person you love. I once had a home, and it was beautiful.
It was full of life, babies, toys and toddlers, a garden and a backyard
full of memories, the world's best dog, never ending movement, constant
management, colors and paints and crayons, constant change, happy people, and a
wonderful woman who held it all together. I didn't see it, and I don't
know why. I saw stress, and I had a difficult time of accepting the
constant chaos of everyday life. But that is the life that makes people
happy, because no matter how stressful it gets, they never have to do it
alone. I once had a home, but now it is gone. People tell me that I
am not homeless, that I am just leading an alternative lifestyle. I know
that. I am too smart to be homeless. I will always find a way to
have a roof (or tent) over my head. But that is just shelter, and it is
far from a home. That is one of the most important lessons that I have
learned through this experience...............that I once had a home, and I
miss it every moment of everyday.
If this blog
is about blunt honesty, then I am tired of dragging out the inevitable, so
lets get one thing out of the way right now.............................I
am an asshole. I destroyed my life. I lost my home. I did
this because I had an affair with The Fourteenth Street Whore. I deserve
everything that has happened to me, and I deserve to continue to suffer until
the day I die. I did the worst thing, with the worst person, and I lost
it all, especially a beautiful home, and a wonderful wife who loved me very
much..........I just didn't know how to see that, until now. I will hate myself for the rest of my life
for what I did. Now that we have that
out of the way, let’s move on.
Week 22
represented exactly what I am talking about........I no longer have a home.
I don't have anything. I started the week on The Island for a day,
but ended up sleeping at a friend’s house for the first two nights of the week.
I did this because he was out of town, offered, and it made it easier to
transition off The Island before moving to West By God at the end of the week.
I worked during the week to make some extra money for the trip, and I
tried to be as thankful as I could to everyone who has ever tried to help me.
It is hard to do that when you have nothing........but I am. I am
so thankful to so many people for the help they have given me. Some
of them probably feel used, such as my mother, but that was never my
intentions. I just kept falling deeper into the rabbit hole, and never
found my way out.........know what I mean?
I was asked to
house sit for the second half of the week, and I accepted the request.
The Island, my buddies house at the beginning of the week, now a house
sitting job.......are you starting to see why I started this post the way I
did. Try and imagine going through your day, and when it ends, not
having a home to go to; not opening the back door at the end of the day
and being tackled by two little boys, smelling dinner cooking in the kitchen,
having your face licked off by a dog, playing up and down the halls with your
boys and wrestling on the carpet, having someone who loves you ask about how
your day was, bath time, story time, bed time, catching up on the day with the
one person in the world who actually cares, falling asleep with someone warm
next to you, not feeling alone in this world, knowing someone needs you, waking
up with someone you can trust next to you.........these are the reasons we come
home, and these are the things I miss the most about my home. All I do
now is drift, because no matter what, I will never create a home alone, and
anything else just isn't the same, and it just isn't enough. Home is everything,
and it is a lesson I did not learn until it was far too late.
“It's a thing to see when a boy comes home.”
~ John Steinbeck, The Grapes of Wrath~
“It's a thing to see when a boy comes home.”
~ John Steinbeck, The Grapes of Wrath~
House sitting
was a good break from my Island life and a good way to rest up before
the next adventure. I had dinner with a close friend one of those nights,
and he was very generous in his wisdom about the things he has learned through
life. He is a kayaker, and I trust him.
It helps to hear others perspectives during this time in my life. I want to find strength in others, and I want
to believe in this world again.
Surrounding myself with strong people helps. My conversations with him have taught me one
important thing…………..in order to be the father I truly believe I am and can be
in the future, I must first find strength within myself. How can I be a father now? I have lost everything, and my hole is deep,
very deep. I have two choices ………..bury
my ass in that hole, or find a way to climb out and be the father I know I can
be. I need to find the fight inside
myself, because Marcelle is not going to let me see my boys without a fight……..the
court system is not going to let me see my children without a fight……..and my
own parents are not going to let me see my sons without a fight. I am heartbroken that this is what the world
is like……..everyone needs to fight for what they want, and if you are down,
they will kick you. That is one lesson I
have learned. I don’t want it to be this
way, and I am not good at playing this game…………but I have two choices. Bury my ass in that hole, or put up a fight. I’m not dead yet, so it looks like it is
about time I try to find strength within myself………because that is the best
option at the moment in taking a step forward to be with my boys. My true friends are the ones that have taught
me that. True friendship is not about
money, or control, or what you can gain through the relationship……..true
friendship is about understanding.
Perception is reality, and everyone’s perception is different. So finding someone who understands your
perception is a sign of true friendship.
They may not agree with it, but they can understand it. Sometimes that is all someone needs. Sometimes we just need friends who will walk
beside us. Thank you to all those
friends.
“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
~Bob Marley~
“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
~Bob Marley~
On Sunday evening I stayed at a friend’s
house instead of on The Island. It was
my last night in RVA and I was sad to be leaving. When you don’t have a home, the streets, the
city, the places you find yourself, they all become your home. I loved walking the Canal all summer, sitting
in the coffee shop to write, talking to the people on the rivah. No one judged me there. They were just interested in who I was,
without wanting to change me. They were
just interested in me for me, and that made me feel welcome for once. There were also people who needed me, like
Lindy, and I will miss him. Lindy is a good
man, and he is my friend. There is also
still a paddling community within the community that supported me, and that
meant everything to me, and it still does.
RVA is the closest thing I have known to a home since Marcelle and the
boys left, and I will miss it, just like I miss the home I once had………just like
I miss her.
“Remember me and smile, for it's better to forget than to remember me and cry.”
~Dr. Seuss~
“Remember me and smile, for it's better to forget than to remember me and cry.”
~Dr. Seuss~
See ya on the rivah…………………..the
only place I can call my home.
