“I think you're still the only person sharp enough to sharpen someone like me.”
~Veronica Roth~
Dearest Island Dweller,
How are you recently? I know it seems a question more of formality than genuine interest. I assure you it is not. I am curious and I do want to know. Do not answer yet though, there is more to my question. I could not care less if you are feeling a cold coming on. I do not wish to hear about your lower back pain. I certainly am not looking to entertain a conversation on the latest outcome of "college x's" sports team.
How ARE you recently? How do you exist? The minerals that make up your body, are they the same as mine? When you inhale to breath do you exhale the same as I? You're existence seems so distant from my own. It is as if I observe you, not just from the shore while you inhabit an island, but from a satellite moon whilst you inhabit the terra forma. What planet do you call home? If your home really is where your heart is, where is that? Can you get there from here, and will GPS take me? Should I Google your whereabouts?
I spend a lot of time looking inward, inside the cavernous skull that houses my brain. The thought factory. I can crank out thought after thought after thought like so many batches of instant macaroni and cheese. Endlessly adding the same amount of milk and butter and stirring the same amount of that God awful yellow powder in. None of these thoughts are from my heart. Do you think from your heart Island Dweller? Can one think from the heart? Feelings are so hard to decipher. My heart speaks Francais, my brain is stuck in English. How can you follow feelings you don't understand? Have you figured out a way to understand them all? If my heart says two different things how am I to know which is the correct choice?
I have so many more questions. Practical and impractical. Tangible and abstract. I hope to hear back from you, perhaps even soon. I know on the ever winding path that you walk, that this a trying time of change and transition. I am at the trail head of a winding path for myself now, and hope to keep your company through this correspondence as I wander.
Have Canoe, Will Ramble,
PB
I received this letter through a blog post that a boating buddy writes on occasion. In recent weeks he has been writing with much more passion and a great deal of conviction. The letter was not directly addressed to me, but the content spoke for itself. His path has recently paralleled my own, however, as he stated, that parallel comes within a transitional period for us both. Soon his path will break one way, and mine will break the other........in reality, that split has already occurred, but we are both still holding on and afraid to let go of what each of us has known for so long. The ironic part about this transitional point and our imposing fork in the path is the direction each of us is traveling. I am traveling home, but it is to a home I never intended on finding. His path is breaking away from what he thought was his home, and he is embarking on a journey to discover his own TRUTH, and hopefully to find his way to a home he never intended on knowing.............life is simply a journey in a search to find our way back home. That is all it will ever be, and that is what makes life beautiful.
His questions haunted my conscious because I was well aware of why he was asking them. I have feared answering this letter for many reasons. I know how important the answers are, and how important the direction he travels from here will be. I traveled a similar direction once, and the choices I made are the reason I stand where I find myself today.
Over the past two years I inspired many people, and I consider that one of the greatest gifts that I have ever received; the ability to inspire others...........but that gift came at a price, and it has been accompanied with a great deal of pain at times. Coming home has resurfaced a lot of heartache and emotion, but it has also allowed me to face the exact circumstances I have been running from for so long. I have also been reluctant to answer his letter because of my own confusion while stuck in transition. But I now believe that answering the correspondence can help him begin his TRUE journey, as well as help me find closure to mine.
Closure is a funny thing. It doesn't simply happen. It must be sought out, and it must be fully understood before any of us can move on from what it is we are trying to escape. My marriage never had any closure........it was simply left like a random plastic bag in an abandoned parking lot, blowing and swirling in the wind, floating away to a destination that no one would ever know. I do not know where it is that plastic bag landed, and I never will. That plastic bag and its destination will forever haunt my life.
“There’s a trick to the ‘graceful exit’. It begins with a vision to recognize when a job, a life stage, or a relationship is over…and let it go. It means leaving what’s over without denying its validity or its importance to our lives. It involves a sense of future, a belief that every exit line is an entry; that we are moving up, rather than out.”
~Ellen Goodman~
In a book, when the chapter ends, you simply turn the page and begin the next chapter. Life doesn't quite work that easily. It contains a grey area between chapters, and for most, that grey area is accompanied with struggle and a sense of being lost. But it also contains a very unique freedom. There were times where I felt the past three years of my life were nothing more than one massive space of grey matter, and I was lost in the middle of all of it.............that may be what made the journey so unique. The fact that I never escaped the grey. But that grayness is also characterized by lessons that we can carry with us to make our lives healthier, and our spirits stronger. Now comes the time when I must apply those lessons and move forward.........I think this is the hard part.
Hopefully correspondence with someone embarking on a similar journey can help ease the culture shock I am experiencing lately. I miss The Island........I think I always will when spring time and high water arrives to The James. Recently I visited The Island and was reminded of the beauty that I was able to experience. That reminder is what sparked my creative thinking and ultimately gave me the ability to answer the letter...................
“Before you can live a part of you has to die. You have to let go of what could have been, how you should have acted and what you wish you would have said differently. You have to accept that you can’t change the past experiences, opinions of others at that moment in time or outcomes from their choices or yours. When you finally recognize that truth then you will understand the true meaning of forgiveness of yourself and others. From this point you will finally be free.”
~Shannon L. Alder~
PB,
Two years ago today, I found myself sitting on a rock in the middle of The James Rivah, 23 days removed from the world, heart ached, lonely, broken, and angry. I was living in a tent, picking up survival goods from a local charity, and using my instincts to stay dry, warm, and safe. I was isolated from most of my friends, my family was not supporting any of my decisions, and most people simply viewed me as crazy, intent to let me rot out there alone, surrounded by a world of whitewater..............as I look back on the experience I find myself missing every moment.
Perception truly is reality, and the reality I just described was from the perception of a man who has become re-acclimatized to the luxuries of hot water, central air, and a roof. It is the way many viewed my situation, and in retrospect, I can see why. They viewed my world from the perception of their own, as we all do in life every day. But perception IS reality, and my reality was much different than what I just described, so let's try one more time...............
Two years ago today, I found myself sitting on a rock in the middle of The James Rivah, 23 days removed from the only world I had ever known. Each day on The Island I found myself discovering a new world, both in the environment that I had chosen to live amongst, as well as in the perception that I viewed the world. Life was simple on The Island. I ate, I built and maintained shelter, and I kayaked. I wrote, took walks, and reflected on how I lived. I didn't worry about time, or schedules, emails, or deadlines. I simply existed in the wild. I watched the weather, fished the rivah, and studied the flow of the water. I discovered a world of birds, and a natural environment that exhibited beauty that I quickly learned could only be observed and understood over time. I found new lines to run, discovered flowers of exquisite artistry, and watched a rivah environment that breathed with dominant energy every moment of the day. I discovered the simple TRUTH of life................and it was beautiful.
“The earth has music for those who listen.”
~George Santayana~
Life is simply a series of roles that we all play. None of it is truly real. We simply convince ourselves that our role is our reality, and it can't be changed...........that couldn't be farther from the TRUTH. I played the role of a father, husband, director, and pillar of the community for a certain time. Then I switched to the role of an Island Dweller, Hater, Outcast, Explorer, and Nomadic Dirt Bag for a certain time. Personally, although I succeeded in an EPIC fail at combining each of these roles, I successfully conquered both at a certain period of time. My failure came in understanding when it was time to exit from each role and begin anew.............I do not plan on making that mistake again.
Now I find myself in a new role. I am a writer, a father in search of his children, a boyfriend who feels loved and appreciated, and I am a man starting over. I am grateful that I can understand this role so clearly from the beginning. There is a long path in front of me, and it is one that I am ready to travel. The beauty of life is that it allows us to change our role in life simply by changing the way we view the world. Take The Island for example: I just described two ways of seeing the experience. Both are correct, and both actually happened. But they are very different..................this is the way the world works now. We create our own roles, and we create the world in which we live in. If you don't like it, then simply change it. It really is that simple.
I do struggle with the transition.......I can't lie there. I miss The Island, every moment of every day. It calls to me. It's not the whitewater or the nature that calls. It's the lifestyle as a whole. Once I experienced what I experienced out there over the course of five months, everything was different. I thought it would fade away, but it hasn't, and I am finally accepting that it never will. I have tried to buy back into the paddling "community" over the past year, but I do not believe in what I am witnessing. I view a very shallow existence in the whitewater world, one that is fueled by one up's, self glorification, the "look at me" poison of Facecrack, and bandwagon followers too afraid to speak their mind or stand on their own when the time comes to do just that.............stand on one's own. Many falsely identify these bandwagon's as "communities". Perception truly is reality. NOTHING about what I am seeing speaks "community".
My TRUTH lies in what I learned on The Island, and as I stated earlier, it is time to apply those lessons to the new life I am leading. I am still an Island Dweller, and I always will be. I simply exist in a different environment now...............and a different role.
“The role of genius is not to complicate the simple, but to simplify the complicated.”
~Criss Jami~
As you begin your journey PB, my advice to you is simple.................know your role. My only regret from my experience is that I failed to fully immerse myself in many of the moments that I led existing on The Island. I worried and fretted about the outside world, The Fat Bastard, The Fourteenth Street Whore, and the bandwagon followers that will always poison our rivah in RVA. I worried about Marcelle and her twisted family. And I worried about the trite problems that seem to overwhelm everyone in modern society.......but that was not my TRUTH. My TRUTH existed when I let go and lived in the thousands of beautiful moments on The Island. Sometimes I found that TRUTH in experiencing an afternoon thunderstorm from the dry safety of my tent, in running the Middle Lines at midnight under a full moon, in taking a sunset walk to the western end of The Island on a perfect evening, or watching the sunrise from the top of The James Rivah world. The beauty that I experienced from all of these is what makes up my energy now, and it is the TRUTH that I hold within my heart. After a year of struggling to find my role in the whitewater community, I have come to realize that it was all a complete waste of time.............the TRUTH was already in me. I simply failed to understand it.
I found a new world in whitewater two years ago, and I will never be able to go back. I don't want to. What I hold within my heart is so much more powerful than the mentality I witness in boating in modern times. The self glorifying attitudes are killing our sport, and the lifestyle we all love. But there is hope PB........know your role. Know that you are traveling this journey in order to find something deeper and more meaningful. Not out there, but within yourself. Know that this journey must be traveled alone, and that surrounding yourself with people during your travels will only make you feel that much more lonely. My advice for you is to find your own TRUTH, and your own reason for loving the rivah. Once you find that you will know, and when you do, you will understand that you can never go back. It will never be the same.
Sincerely,
The Island Dweller
“Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.”
~Søren Kierkegaard~
See ya on the rivah................most likely paddling alone. PEACE
Over the past two years I inspired many people, and I consider that one of the greatest gifts that I have ever received; the ability to inspire others...........but that gift came at a price, and it has been accompanied with a great deal of pain at times. Coming home has resurfaced a lot of heartache and emotion, but it has also allowed me to face the exact circumstances I have been running from for so long. I have also been reluctant to answer his letter because of my own confusion while stuck in transition. But I now believe that answering the correspondence can help him begin his TRUE journey, as well as help me find closure to mine.
Closure is a funny thing. It doesn't simply happen. It must be sought out, and it must be fully understood before any of us can move on from what it is we are trying to escape. My marriage never had any closure........it was simply left like a random plastic bag in an abandoned parking lot, blowing and swirling in the wind, floating away to a destination that no one would ever know. I do not know where it is that plastic bag landed, and I never will. That plastic bag and its destination will forever haunt my life.
“There’s a trick to the ‘graceful exit’. It begins with a vision to recognize when a job, a life stage, or a relationship is over…and let it go. It means leaving what’s over without denying its validity or its importance to our lives. It involves a sense of future, a belief that every exit line is an entry; that we are moving up, rather than out.”
~Ellen Goodman~
In a book, when the chapter ends, you simply turn the page and begin the next chapter. Life doesn't quite work that easily. It contains a grey area between chapters, and for most, that grey area is accompanied with struggle and a sense of being lost. But it also contains a very unique freedom. There were times where I felt the past three years of my life were nothing more than one massive space of grey matter, and I was lost in the middle of all of it.............that may be what made the journey so unique. The fact that I never escaped the grey. But that grayness is also characterized by lessons that we can carry with us to make our lives healthier, and our spirits stronger. Now comes the time when I must apply those lessons and move forward.........I think this is the hard part.
Hopefully correspondence with someone embarking on a similar journey can help ease the culture shock I am experiencing lately. I miss The Island........I think I always will when spring time and high water arrives to The James. Recently I visited The Island and was reminded of the beauty that I was able to experience. That reminder is what sparked my creative thinking and ultimately gave me the ability to answer the letter...................
“Before you can live a part of you has to die. You have to let go of what could have been, how you should have acted and what you wish you would have said differently. You have to accept that you can’t change the past experiences, opinions of others at that moment in time or outcomes from their choices or yours. When you finally recognize that truth then you will understand the true meaning of forgiveness of yourself and others. From this point you will finally be free.”
~Shannon L. Alder~
PB,
Two years ago today, I found myself sitting on a rock in the middle of The James Rivah, 23 days removed from the world, heart ached, lonely, broken, and angry. I was living in a tent, picking up survival goods from a local charity, and using my instincts to stay dry, warm, and safe. I was isolated from most of my friends, my family was not supporting any of my decisions, and most people simply viewed me as crazy, intent to let me rot out there alone, surrounded by a world of whitewater..............as I look back on the experience I find myself missing every moment.
Perception truly is reality, and the reality I just described was from the perception of a man who has become re-acclimatized to the luxuries of hot water, central air, and a roof. It is the way many viewed my situation, and in retrospect, I can see why. They viewed my world from the perception of their own, as we all do in life every day. But perception IS reality, and my reality was much different than what I just described, so let's try one more time...............
Two years ago today, I found myself sitting on a rock in the middle of The James Rivah, 23 days removed from the only world I had ever known. Each day on The Island I found myself discovering a new world, both in the environment that I had chosen to live amongst, as well as in the perception that I viewed the world. Life was simple on The Island. I ate, I built and maintained shelter, and I kayaked. I wrote, took walks, and reflected on how I lived. I didn't worry about time, or schedules, emails, or deadlines. I simply existed in the wild. I watched the weather, fished the rivah, and studied the flow of the water. I discovered a world of birds, and a natural environment that exhibited beauty that I quickly learned could only be observed and understood over time. I found new lines to run, discovered flowers of exquisite artistry, and watched a rivah environment that breathed with dominant energy every moment of the day. I discovered the simple TRUTH of life................and it was beautiful.
“The earth has music for those who listen.”
~George Santayana~
Life is simply a series of roles that we all play. None of it is truly real. We simply convince ourselves that our role is our reality, and it can't be changed...........that couldn't be farther from the TRUTH. I played the role of a father, husband, director, and pillar of the community for a certain time. Then I switched to the role of an Island Dweller, Hater, Outcast, Explorer, and Nomadic Dirt Bag for a certain time. Personally, although I succeeded in an EPIC fail at combining each of these roles, I successfully conquered both at a certain period of time. My failure came in understanding when it was time to exit from each role and begin anew.............I do not plan on making that mistake again.
Now I find myself in a new role. I am a writer, a father in search of his children, a boyfriend who feels loved and appreciated, and I am a man starting over. I am grateful that I can understand this role so clearly from the beginning. There is a long path in front of me, and it is one that I am ready to travel. The beauty of life is that it allows us to change our role in life simply by changing the way we view the world. Take The Island for example: I just described two ways of seeing the experience. Both are correct, and both actually happened. But they are very different..................this is the way the world works now. We create our own roles, and we create the world in which we live in. If you don't like it, then simply change it. It really is that simple.
I do struggle with the transition.......I can't lie there. I miss The Island, every moment of every day. It calls to me. It's not the whitewater or the nature that calls. It's the lifestyle as a whole. Once I experienced what I experienced out there over the course of five months, everything was different. I thought it would fade away, but it hasn't, and I am finally accepting that it never will. I have tried to buy back into the paddling "community" over the past year, but I do not believe in what I am witnessing. I view a very shallow existence in the whitewater world, one that is fueled by one up's, self glorification, the "look at me" poison of Facecrack, and bandwagon followers too afraid to speak their mind or stand on their own when the time comes to do just that.............stand on one's own. Many falsely identify these bandwagon's as "communities". Perception truly is reality. NOTHING about what I am seeing speaks "community".
My TRUTH lies in what I learned on The Island, and as I stated earlier, it is time to apply those lessons to the new life I am leading. I am still an Island Dweller, and I always will be. I simply exist in a different environment now...............and a different role.
“The role of genius is not to complicate the simple, but to simplify the complicated.”
~Criss Jami~
As you begin your journey PB, my advice to you is simple.................know your role. My only regret from my experience is that I failed to fully immerse myself in many of the moments that I led existing on The Island. I worried and fretted about the outside world, The Fat Bastard, The Fourteenth Street Whore, and the bandwagon followers that will always poison our rivah in RVA. I worried about Marcelle and her twisted family. And I worried about the trite problems that seem to overwhelm everyone in modern society.......but that was not my TRUTH. My TRUTH existed when I let go and lived in the thousands of beautiful moments on The Island. Sometimes I found that TRUTH in experiencing an afternoon thunderstorm from the dry safety of my tent, in running the Middle Lines at midnight under a full moon, in taking a sunset walk to the western end of The Island on a perfect evening, or watching the sunrise from the top of The James Rivah world. The beauty that I experienced from all of these is what makes up my energy now, and it is the TRUTH that I hold within my heart. After a year of struggling to find my role in the whitewater community, I have come to realize that it was all a complete waste of time.............the TRUTH was already in me. I simply failed to understand it.
I found a new world in whitewater two years ago, and I will never be able to go back. I don't want to. What I hold within my heart is so much more powerful than the mentality I witness in boating in modern times. The self glorifying attitudes are killing our sport, and the lifestyle we all love. But there is hope PB........know your role. Know that you are traveling this journey in order to find something deeper and more meaningful. Not out there, but within yourself. Know that this journey must be traveled alone, and that surrounding yourself with people during your travels will only make you feel that much more lonely. My advice for you is to find your own TRUTH, and your own reason for loving the rivah. Once you find that you will know, and when you do, you will understand that you can never go back. It will never be the same.
Sincerely,
The Island Dweller
“Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.”
~Søren Kierkegaard~
See ya on the rivah................most likely paddling alone. PEACE
