Week 20 / Part II: "Daisy Dukes and Cowboy Boots........gets me every time"

"Every man's life ends the same way. It is only the details of how he lived and how he died that distinguish one man from another."
                                                          ~Ernest Hemingway

 Wakin' up ready to roll!

   I awoke Saturday morning feeling rested and ready to experience Bristol.  There was so much to see and take in, so I simply sat back and went with the flow.  Walking around the parking areas and vending rows is the best way to take in the atmosphere. Our  group had a safety meeting to discuss logistics for the day, as well as cure the moonshine hangovers most were suffering from due to the jars from the previous two nights.  The Man and I camped with some of The Mans friends from Georgia.  Chris, Jeff, and Janet, more famously known as Damn It Janet!!!....because everything she does makes you respond by saying "Damn It Janet".  Janet is awesome because Janet has no filter.......and I mean none.  Example A...........

Damn It Janet: "Hey buddy !  Come over here and show me your dick!"
Buddy:  "Dude....I'm scared.  She might rape me."

..............and yes, I believe it was possible for that to have happened.  The weekend would not have been the same without Damn It Janet, and the drunker she was, the funnier she became.  There was also Chris and Jeff, two of the funniest good ole Georgia boys I have ever met.  Chris was a feisty one, and the more moonshine you put in him, the feistier he was.  I am pretty sure at some point in the weekend he wanted to fight everyone there but me.......but it's cool, because five minutes later he was cool.  He was also insanely drunk all weekend, and one hell of a good man to party with.  While walking to the race, we stopped at the Jack Daniels tent.  Chris attempted to order from the drop dead beautiful bartender, but was unable to make a complete sentence.  I looked at her laughing and said, "you have seen a lot of drunk people today.  On a scale of 1 to 10 how drunk is he".........she gave him an 8.3.  Well done Chris.  Well done.    Jeff was right there with Chris every step of the way, however Jeff represented the lighter side of Chris.  Jeff was a man of peace, and the creator of the name "Damn It Janet", and the most likely man to give a "Bristol Baby!!!!!" at least once an hour.  When you combine them with the man, who was drunker than he had been the night of the strip club, plus me, taken it all in on perkisetes and safety meetings, we made up one hell of a motley crew........and we came to play hard.  By noon the liquor was flowing, and it was time to explore the valley of the rednecks.  Here were some of the sites along the way...........

Bristol Baby!

Nothin' says 'Merica better than a two story beer can.

No words needed for this.......but yes, that is the shocker.

Hank Williams Jr............'Merica!

Any good redneck would appreciate a Monster Truck

"The winner ain't the one with the fastest car; it's the one who refuses to lose."

                 ~Dale Earnhardt~

   After a full day of adventures around the parking lot, lots of liquor, some safety meetings, and a rich education in the difference between a NASCAR engine and a pick up truck engine (there is no comparison), it was time for some racin', which ended up being the most normal part of the weekend.  Our group was so intoxicated that we all split up, no one sat in their proper seats, and the adventures of each of us were not discovered until the next morning.  The race was somewhat disappointing for a short track race.  RIR is a short track and there are always crashes, which is why we go to see races.  There were only a few crashes on this night, but the setting was still outstanding.  Out of all the pics I have seen from the races, this one is my favorite. It is our boy Rob, as well as some other Massachusetts boys, getting it done in style track side.............

I love so many things about this picture.

   Well done boys......well done.  The second half of the race was a blur, and my back was killin' me, so I snuck back to the camp site with the intention of taking a pain killer and heading back in.  The grounds were quiet except for the hummm of the engines, and the vendors were all relaxing, waiting for the rush of drunken hooligans to bum rush them after the race.  

   I stopped at one of the vendor tents earlier in the day and noticed that the girl working there was particularly nice and was particularly cute..........in daisy dukes and cowboy boots.  So I decided to swing by on my way back to the track, and I am glad I did.


“If you want something in this life, reach out and grab it.”
                             ~Christopher McCandless~

   I found the same girl in the same tent, still looking friendly as ever, and cute as can be.  She had a sexy little Carolina accent, dirty blond hair, and eyes that pierced your soul.  Eyes get me every time too.  For some reason we started talking, and kept talking, and kept talking.  Now, in this life I am leading I have encounters with people everyday, and have had my fair share of encounters with beautiful women along this path, but this was different.  This was one of those conversations that sticks with you, it guides you, like the turning point in a movie..........it is difficult to explain.  She made me realize a lot about myself in a short amount of time, and it was done without having to tell her anything.  She just got me, and I got her.  After about 30 minutes of talking the race ended.  When it did, fireworks went off over our heads, and she and I stood there  on the hillside both looking up at the sky as it lit up.  It was a very unique encounter with a very beautiful woman.  So to Payton, only you and I know what was said that night, and thank you.......wherever you are.  Maybe our paths will cross again one day, but if not, remember the quote above.
   Once the race ended, 160,000 drunken rednecks bum rushed the tents and all hell broke loose.  There were bon fires, free shots at random tents full of dancing women, moonshine challenges, poorly aimed fireworks, dog shit catastrophes ........and I watched a kid stagger down the middle of the road very, very poorly.  He made it 20 feet in 10 minutes.  So me and a buddy sat on the hood of the truck and placed bets on whether he was going to puke.  Then, out of no where, he looked up at us and started laughing, and called us out for betting on him to puke.  He then rallied like a champion.  It was amazing. 20 feet in 10 minutes, and then he found a second wind, so we gave him the pot of money for being such a beast........he puked about 2 minutes later........all over the money.  What can I say.......Bristol Baby........Bristol.


“I've decided I'm going to live this life for some time to come. The freedom and simple beauty is just too good to pass up.”
                                       ~Christopher McCandless~

Believe it or not, the next morning The Man and I awoke with a plan.......we were going to rally like fucking champions, make some serious man moves........again, and R-2 the Nolichucky to cure our post Bristol blues.  After some funny ass stories of the whereabouts of certain individuals at certain times, stories of drunken hooliganism, a dog shit debacle, and plenty of reasons for Jeff to yell "Damn It Janet", we were packed up and ready to roll, until the battery died in the truck.  Once that was taken care of thanks to quick action by The Man, we were ready to go......again.  Then the tire started going flat.  The Man again came to the rescue........yet another reason he is The Man.  Now we were rolling, straight out of Bristol, and straight for Erwin, Tennessee........the only town in America to ever lynch an elephant..........seriously, look it up.

See ya on the Nolichucky.......stylin' it with The Man.  PEACE 

P.S. Click here or below to read the conclusion of this EPIC redneck adventure.