Round 2: The Fat Bastard of Fourteenth Street (The Background Story)

"It is not the critic who counts, not the man who points out how the strong man stumbled, or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena; whose face is marred by the dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again; who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions and spends himself in a worthy course; who at the best, knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who, at worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly; so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory or defeat." 

                                                                                        ~Theodore Roosevelt~

...........those cold and timid souls who know neither victory or defeat.

   This is a quick one, simply to introduce you to the legend that is The Fat Bastard of Fourteenth Street.  Lets start with the story about the disappearance of the handicap parking sign in the Fourteenth Street parking lot.  This will give you a clear perspective of what kind of a man we are dealing with.  I will say that this story was told to me by a second party, so I can neither confirm nor deny its truth.......however, the person who told me this story is a very trusted paddler who has no reason to lie about any of it........and it sounds like something the Fat Bastard would do................

   A few years back the New River takeout was having a normal crowded afternoon of loading boats and customers, all while a barrage of dirt bag kayakers of all shapes and sizes rallied for position at a parking spot close to the loading zone.  Those spots are few and far between and on busy days there is a lot of confusion about who's spot it is once someone pulls out.  However, there is still a handicap parking place there that is reserved for handicap boaters.  Kayaking is a great sport for handicap athletes and one of my true heroes is a handicap paddler from RVA who loves the rivah, kayaking, and life.......not to mention he is one of the nicest people I have ever met.  On this particular day The Fat Bastard of Fourteenth Street was one of the dirt bags waiting for a spot.  There was also a handicap paddler waiting patiently in his car for the space to open up so he could load his boat........you already know where this story is going.  

   Apparently, as the story goes, when the handicap spot opened up The Fat Bastard saw that he knew the handicap paddler waiting for the spot, and apparently did not feel he was worthy of it.  The Fat Bastard pulled around the car leaving and into the handicap spot before the handicap paddler could pull in.  When he exited the car he looked right at the handicap paddler waiting for the space and said, "I'm older.  I need it more."  The handicap paddler is a nice guy and let it go.  He already knew the Fat Bastard was a complete asshole and didn't feel the need to create a scene over it.  Besides, the takeout of The New Rivah is a giant hole in the earth, so it isn't like calling the cops was even an option.

   Both paddlers returned to RVA after the weekend was over to paddle their home rivah, The James.  A few days after the New River incident, The Fat Bastard of Fourteenth Street removed the handicap parking sign at Fourteenth Street and threw it in the trash, apparently because he was upset with the handicap paddler.  So now we have handicap paddlers who use the rivah on a daily basis, we just built a handicap ramp at the put in along with multiple handicap parking spots, we installed a railing at the takeout for handicap paddlers, and yet there is no handicap sign at the takeout...............am I the only one that thinks this makes no sense?

   I think I understand what happened here.  The Fat Bastard of Fourteenth Street is simply confused.  He thinks that when you are so fat that you have to lift your gut up just to take a piss it means you are handicap........I hate to tell you bro, you aren't handicap.  Your just a fat, pathetic, joke of a man.

"If it wasn't for his fat, naked ass, none of this ever would've happened"

                                                                              ~Me~

   Now, you are probably asking yourself how I know that his gut is so bad he has to lift it up to take a piss.  The answer is simple.  I have unfortunately had to see The Fat Bastard of Fourteenth Street naked more than I wish......along with the rest of the RVA paddling community.  You see, he thinks it is funny to get naked in the parking lot in front of everyone.  Personally, if I was that fat, I would be embarrassed.  Apparently confidence is not lacking with The Fat Bastard (which is weird, because it should be after seeing him naked....explains the massive size truck he owns).  In fact, he was doing exactly that on the day that he assaulted a paddler of the community at the takeout..........me.  I have heard a great many tales about how that encounter went down, and I just let The Fat Bastard tell his tales his way.......because personally I didn't care at all about the bull shit he was sayin'.  I have heard it all.......I hide behind the law.......I threatened to smoke pot in front of his kid..........I pussy'd out and refused to fight, etc.  Well guess what fat boy?  It's my turn to set the record straight.........

   It was the last day of March and it was icy and snowy.  There were only a few people at the takeout, and all of them were my old crew that were no longer considered friends.  I pulled into the Fat Bastards "self designated" parking spot......(yea.  The one that used to have the handicap sign....asshole.  I pull in there to simply piss him off)  I was waiting for a friend that was meeting me to go paddling.  The Fat Bastard pulled up right next to me and started his normal routine of getting naked in the parking lot.  When I saw that he planned to do this directly in front of my car I confronted him.  I opened the door and said, "I don't want to see your fat naked ass.  Hit the changing room asshole."  He responded by telling me to shut the fuck up and close the door.  So I took it one step further........"go to the fuckin' changing room where you hide from your own kid to smoke pot asshole."  Well, little did I know that his kid was in the car and heard me say this.  Now, do I feel bad about what I said?.......not at all.  It was the truth.  Do I feel bad that I said it not knowing his son heard it?  Absolutely.  I don't hide from my kids to smoke pot, but if I did I would be pissed if someone called me out, so I could understand that The Fat Bastard was ready to go.  Problem is, instead of handling it like a man and saying "I have had enough of this shit.  Lets head down to the rivah and finish this like men", he decided to freak out like a mentally ill school girl, force his fat ass into my car, and proceed to slap me like a fighting woman.  I truly was shocked....not at what he did, but at how pathetic his ability was to fight.  I purposely did not throw a single punch, for a few reasons.  First, I knew if I did, his bitch ass would pin an assault charge on me, and I didn't need that in my life at the time. Second, he was so fat there wasn't enough room for me to move my arms around in the car........I know that seems funny but it is the truth.  See, throughout the entire incident I never got out of the car.  Eventually his fellow paddlers pulled him off, and I called the cops and charged him with assault.  A few months later I was told that the Fat Bastard was having some family troubles and was not in a good place in life.  I actually felt sorry for him and backed off on the charges, eventually just letting the whole thing go.  He had already sweated it out for months and paid a lawyer God only knows how much money to defend him......since he knew he was fucked.  That was enough for me.    

   There are a few things about this story that need to be pointed out.....first, after the incident I made it clear to the Fat Bastard that I would drop the charges (even though I couldn't) if he simply apologized to me.  Instead he got pissed off and sent me a text message that said "how does it feel to know your own kids call another man daddy"..........Classy.  There's a true leader if I have ever seen one.  Second, The Fat Bastard was pissed because he was called out for doing two things that are not only illegal, but were also a terrible example to his kid.  You were naked in public and smoking pot in the toilet dude so your kid wouldn't know......that's pathetic.  Third, I don't hide behind the law bro.  I gave you a personal invitation to come to the island, settle things like men, and move the fuck on........don't blame me for the fact that you were too much of a pussy to actually show........he then decided the best way to handle the situation instead was to involve the wild and wonderful Fourteenth Street Whore, but we will save the conclusion to that part of the story for a future post.....and no, it is not how they are connected.

   There was something funny that happened between the time he assaulted me and the time it was dropped (at least I assume it was dropped.  I personally have no idea, and don't care).  During that time period, one after another after another, people in the paddling community came to me privately and told me to burn that fat bastard to the ground.  It was amazing how many people came to me.  None of these people had the balls to do it themselves for some reason, but they all made me realize one important thing..........The Fat Bastard of Fourteenth Street already was a complete joke.  I don't need to bury him.  No one takes him seriously... .....which makes sense.  You are a fifty three year old man who thinks that self appointment as king of a parking lot is important, and that pimpin' out your son to Red Bull so you can live vicariously through him is appropriate.  Taking your kid to the bar with you every night does not justify being a fat drunk, and further more, driving home afterwards with your kid in the car, drunk and high, is really fucked up.  (remember what I just said.....it is important later on in the story)  In the end I realized something.........The Fat Bastard of Fourteenth Street is a complete fucking joke, and the fact that he represents JROC is sad.  It makes JROC look like a joke, which they are not.  Hopefully SOMEONE out there is listening right now, because this kind of leadership is what has caused Fourteenth Street to exist in the manner it does.  This is a very small piece of who The Fat Bastard of Fourteenth Street is, and an accurate representation of the leadership and role models present at The Fourteenth Street Takeout.  There are teenagers and young adults down there who are all watching this example set for our kayaking community, and I for one am happy to no longer be a part of it.  The Fat Bastard plays an important role in the story, so stay tuned, because you will be hearing A LOT more about him.....................


"Live so that when your children think of fairness, caring, and integrity, they think of you."
              ~H. Jackson Brown, Jr.~

Read the quote fat boy and get a clue............and remember, the invite to The Island is always on the table, if you ever grow the balls to show up.

See ya on the rivah..............hopefully not havin' to lift up your gut to take a piss!    PEACE