"Men are what their mother's made them."
~Ralph Waldo Emerson~
My mother is
terrified of the water. She was never
able to swim very well. Any water over
her knees makes her freak out. When I
was little she would wade in the water at the beach up to her knees, but never
any farther. I watched her do this year
after year while sitting on a raft or boogie board, waiting to get slammed by
the next wave in water well over my head.
I always wondered why she never took swimming lessons or learned to
swim. Instead she made a point to teach
me how to swim when I was very young, and now most of my life exists around
water. I think it is sad that she is now
in her sixties and still doesn't feel comfortable around the water. It is sad that her son has been a river guide
for over a decade and she has never once gone on a rafting trip with me. It is sad that her son was an Aquatics
Director and significantly increased the swim lesson program in an African
American community, but was never able to help his own mother overcome her fear.
Why do I start off
Round 3 by telling this story?………..because it represents who my parents are
perfectly. My mother didn't understand
the water and was scared of it, so she wanted to have nothing to do with
it. Basically, anything in this world
that my parents don’t understand they want to have nothing to do with. It scares them to have to encounter something
new. They are terrified of the world
outside their own little bubble, so they push away all that is foreign to
them. Basically, at this point, they
have closed themselves off so much that most of the TRUTH in this world seems
dark and evil to them………….this logic makes someone like me my parents worst
nightmare. They are terrified of the
life I am leading and who I am becoming more and more every day. And remember that anything that scares them
is something they want to have nothing to do with, which means they want to
have nothing to do with their own son.
They want to have nothing to do with me.
I first noticed the
fear that exists inside my parents when I was very young. It wasn't anything in particular that I
remember, but I remember that I identified that my parents were not normal very
early on in life, and I think I subconsciously disconnected myself from
them. It wasn't until recently that I
confirmed what I had identified when I was younger. Over the past year, I had conversations with
four different people that I grew up with about the normalcy of my family. All four agreed that my family was bizarre
and I seemed very confused a lot as a kid, and people thought I was messed up because
of how confused I was. I never realized
that people viewed me as a messed up kid, and now I am even more self conscious
about it since realizing this.
My sister turned
out normal in my parents eyes……….mainly because she is exactly like them. That is how we were raised…….to be exactly
like them. My sister is Obsessive
Compulsive. I remember lying in bed
every night listening to her go through the house and pull all the doors shut
three times before she went to bed……..she did this every night for our entire
childhood. My parents never found this
bizarre………I sure as hell did. Now that
she is an adult, she does everything the exact same as my mother did when we
were growing up. And she will be exactly
like them until the day she dies………..which means she can see how her entire
life is going to be before she actually lives it……that’s sad.
I didn't write this
post simply to bash my family. I love my
mother very much, and I miss her every day.
I know she doesn't understand me or care to understand me, and I don’t
blame her for this. I was pissed off at
her for a long time, because I didn't understand why she turned her back on
me. I know now she had no choice. When Marcelle and I were separated my parents
needed to make a choice……….support me and fear Marcelle taking their grandchildren
from them, or turn their back on me, support Marcelle, and have a relationship
with their grandchildren. Obviously they
chose the second option. There are a lot
of things over the past two years that have broken my heart, but losing my
mother was one of the things that broke it the most. You cannot imagine the pain that exists
inside when you have to accept that your own mother doesn't like you or want to
be around you. I never got past it. Don’t think I ever will. I continue to desperately go back to her and
try to have her understand me, but every time my heart breaks even more,
because every time she is colder than she was before. I get really mad, and usually say something
that I don’t mean, which only justifies to her that pushing me away was the
right choice. I just wish she could see
that when I am hurt I get mad…………………I just wish everyone could see that.
My father doesn't
matter. He means nothing to me. I don’t think he ever did. I always viewed my father as being a
coward. When I was younger there were no
bonding experiences between him and me.
We never worked on cars together, or hung out for a day of just the guys. He just wasn't interested in me. I used to go outside and kick the soccer ball
up against the house for hours. This
pissed him off like no other. I was only
supposed to hit the bricks with the ball, but a lot of times I would hit the
wood on the house, and he would come out and yell at me for it. Sometimes I did it on purpose just to piss
him off. I did this for years. Not once in all those years did he ever come
out and kick the ball with me, or even talk to me. We never talked about the birds and the bees,
or girls, or sports, or anything else.
He just never seemed interested in me.
If you asked him about me today, he would say he was a good father and
that I am rewriting the history books of our family. (He actually said that exact thing to me not long
ago) But remember, perception is
reality, and this is the reality I saw as a kid. But my reality was never important to my
father. Only his was.
Not long ago during
an argument with him I asked him why he never wanted to teach me anything when
I was growing up. He responded that I
never seemed interested in anything. I
was ADHD and struggled as a kid. What
kind of a father uses that as reasoning when looking his own son in the eyes knowing
he has suffered his whole life trying to keep up and just pay attention long enough
to feel normal. It was due to that
response by my father that I gave up on any relationship that we ever could
have had or will have. When he said
that, it hurt. I was a little fucking kid. I couldn't help how I was, and I have a hard
time with it to this day. Ever since
that day I have viewed my father as a cowardly and emotionless asshole, and I
have no intentions of ever attempting to recover my relationship with him. He missed out on having one cool as hell son,
and that is his loss, not mine.
~Marlo Thomas~
My mother is
different though, and she truly did break my heart. I mean, what kind of a person are you if your
own mother doesn't even see the good in you.
She tells me she loves me, but I feel that she only does it because she
is supposed to. Her actions say something
very different. They tell me that she
can’t stand even the thought of me. None
of the decisions that they have made in the past 2, no, I take that back, in
the last 20 years make any sense to me.
When I was in high school they were right there beside me, supporting me
through being the good student, star athlete, etc. When I went to college I fucked up, and my
parents were not around much. After college
I moved to Harrisonburg and bar tended for a year. I will never forget that during this time I
went eight months without speaking to my parents. Not because we were mad at each other, or any
other reason. They just simply never
called or visited, or anything else…………for eight months. Maybe I am wrong here, but when you are 22
years old it just doesn't seem normal to go eight months without speaking to
your parents. I think they were just glad
I was gone and wasn't a hassle to them.
That pretty much
sums up how I saw my parents viewpoint of me……..a hassle. From the time I was in middle school, all I
did was piss them off and disappoint them.
Now, here I am a thirty five year old child, and they still treat me
exactly the same. I don’t think they
ever believed that I had the ability to be a successful father. Maybe they see Marlow as a second chance to
create a success story. Maybe my only
job in our family was to produce two great kids, and then move to the side so
that everyone else could raise them…………the point is, I don’t think my parents
ever believed in me. When my mom turned
her back on me she kissed me on the forehead and told me that she wasn't
worried because she knew I was a survivor.
Well, you were right mom, I am surviving, and that is about all I am doing.
~T. D. Jakes~
My parents became
very involved in my life again once Marcelle and I had children. I was a success, and I had given them something
to show off to the world, just like in high school. Back then I was the good student, star
athlete, etc. When we had kids I was the
good father, husband, and successful family man. They were right there beside me, willing to
support me in every way. When Marcelle
and I were divorced, they were gone again.
Are you starting to see the picture here?
I don’ think they
have any idea how much pain I hold inside.
This is not an amusing post, and there are no witty jokes about this
situation. Like I have said before, I
feel dead inside, and thinking about the past relationship with my parents, and
my mother turning her back on me makes me sad……..and it makes me cry. I miss my mother. I needed her in the last two years, and she
just wasn’t there. In her mind, I was an
adult, and she didn’t need to be.
However, she taught me one very important lesson, and it is a lesson
that I have learned for my boys. One day
Marlow and Quint will read this (although both families will do everything they
can to censor it from them). I want them
to hear this message loud and clear……….I will never turn my back on either of
you. No matter how old you are, no
matter how successful or unsuccessful you are, no matter how much you may say something
to hurt me, or hate me, no matter how angry you may be at me, I will never turn
away from either of you. I may not be
there right now boys, but I want to be, and I will always want to be. Please don’t hate me. I don’t want it to be this way guys. I will always be your father, and I will
always love you, unconditionally and without any judgment……forever.
I am building this
foundation because my parents play a large role in the story that is about to
be told. They have a major influence on
the decisions that I have made in life, the mistakes I have made, the
successes, and the way I am as a father, son, and person. I love my mother very much, and I don’t ever
want to hurt her again………….but I know this post will do exactly that. I am sorry mom. I really am.
I am sorry that I failed you and that I am who I am. I know you are not proud of me. There isn’t anything to be proud of. I just wish it were different, but it isn’t. It never will be.
"A mother's love is peace. It need not be acquired, it need not be deserved."
~Erich Fromm~
I don’t want to see ya on the rivah today...........so be safe out there. PEACE
P.S. If you are reading
this and you have a mother out there, please call her and tell her how much you
love her. Tell her how much she means to
you. If you never get anything else out
of The Island Chronicles, at least get that.
