"Our incapacity to comprehend other cultures stems from our insistence on measuring things in our own terms."
~Arthur Erickson~
Make no mistake.........NASCAR is a culture all its own and I comprehended it in their terms, not mine.
Week 20 turned out to be another interesting week that I did not see coming. On Sunday I took my friend rafting and thought I would try to impress her by R-1ing a 10.5 foot Mini Me Raft with a Norris paddle. The only man who should attempt to do this is a man who is about 11 feet tall and strong as hell..........I am not that man.
The results of this endeavor where an inflamed sciatic nerve in my lower back that was damaged ten years ago while landing on my butt off a 20 foot ski jump (another genius move on my part.........but there was no girl present for that one. Just "The Man". The same man that tore is knee to shreds trying to ski off a 20 foot cliff..........are you starting to see the trend here). Tuesday through Thursday were spent doing nothing but laying on my ass and writing. I was in pain, and lots of it. I hate back injuries because there is no way to play them off. I am a redhead. (not a ginger!....haters) Apparently redheads have a high threshold for pain. I can take pain pretty well and have had my share of it. Nine broken bones, a dislocated thumb that still pops out at least once a month, stitches somewhere around 20 times, including stitches in my tongue from where I bit clean through it, I tore the ligaments in my ankle, back, shoulder, and hip, and I have had food poisoning twice. (I only add the food poisoning because it was the 2 worst experiences of my life. I wanted to kill myself those two nights just so I could stop throwing up)...........the point is, I have torn myself up and still keep going, so pain is not that big of a deal, but back pain makes it hard to get anything physical accomplished. I am glad I did take the advice of others and rest, because the healing process went smoothly.
On Thursday evening I went over to "The Mans" house to catch up on life. He stated that he was heading to the races in Bristol for the weekend and wanted to know if I wanted to come. As always, I was broke, so we made a deal. I would be the designated driver and he would cover expenses. Now remember that this is "The Man" from the strip club stories, so it was a given that shit was going to go down. So on Friday morning we embarked on "The Great 2013 Redneck Road Trip"....................and boy was it ever that!
Week 20 turned out to be another interesting week that I did not see coming. On Sunday I took my friend rafting and thought I would try to impress her by R-1ing a 10.5 foot Mini Me Raft with a Norris paddle. The only man who should attempt to do this is a man who is about 11 feet tall and strong as hell..........I am not that man.
The results of this endeavor where an inflamed sciatic nerve in my lower back that was damaged ten years ago while landing on my butt off a 20 foot ski jump (another genius move on my part.........but there was no girl present for that one. Just "The Man". The same man that tore is knee to shreds trying to ski off a 20 foot cliff..........are you starting to see the trend here). Tuesday through Thursday were spent doing nothing but laying on my ass and writing. I was in pain, and lots of it. I hate back injuries because there is no way to play them off. I am a redhead. (not a ginger!....haters) Apparently redheads have a high threshold for pain. I can take pain pretty well and have had my share of it. Nine broken bones, a dislocated thumb that still pops out at least once a month, stitches somewhere around 20 times, including stitches in my tongue from where I bit clean through it, I tore the ligaments in my ankle, back, shoulder, and hip, and I have had food poisoning twice. (I only add the food poisoning because it was the 2 worst experiences of my life. I wanted to kill myself those two nights just so I could stop throwing up)...........the point is, I have torn myself up and still keep going, so pain is not that big of a deal, but back pain makes it hard to get anything physical accomplished. I am glad I did take the advice of others and rest, because the healing process went smoothly.
On Thursday evening I went over to "The Mans" house to catch up on life. He stated that he was heading to the races in Bristol for the weekend and wanted to know if I wanted to come. As always, I was broke, so we made a deal. I would be the designated driver and he would cover expenses. Now remember that this is "The Man" from the strip club stories, so it was a given that shit was going to go down. So on Friday morning we embarked on "The Great 2013 Redneck Road Trip"....................and boy was it ever that!
"Bristol Baby!!!!"
~Every single redneck at the race~
I was raised by a kindergarten teacher. (which probably just explained a lot about me) Everything in my life growing up was about lists and organization. The following is a list of the most important lessons I learned in Bristol.......................
1. We live in 'Merica.
2. It has been blessed by God.
3. In order to be a proper redneck you must have a minimum of twenty accessories on your pick up truck.
4. Rednecks love war cries!
5. Rednecks DO NOT love Obama!
6. Kayakers have no clue how to car camp. We need to take lessons from rednecks. Those boys can set up a base camp that could defend a small country.
7. NASCAR is fucking huge!!!!!!!!!!!
8. Rednecks can drink.......and I mean A LOT. And they love liquor.
9. In order to be a proper redneck you must have a driver to root for and you must hate everyone else's driver.....especially Kurt Busch, Jimmy Johnson, and Jeff Gordon.
10. Rednecks might be some of the coolest and most entertaining people I have ever partied with, and I loved every minute of it!
"If men were angels, there would be no need for government."
~John Locke~
My redneck education began as soon as I entered the world of Bristol, so lets start from the beginning.............and yes, I actually wrote in my journal for once. :)
Day 144 ~ Journal Entry ~ August 23
" The Man and I drove to Bristol on Friday morning to get an early start on the weekend. We were rolling in a four door Toyota Tundra packed to the rim with everything needed for a redneck road trip........including a raft. :) The drive to Bristol is straight down The Shenandoah Valley, cruising through the heart of whitewater country, rollin' past Blacksburg, with mountains and lush green valleys as our scenery for the entire drive. I have grown up in Virginia, and may be biased, but I feel the Shenandoah Valley may be one of the prettiest places in our country. (and Nelson County of course, and WNC,........and West By God. What can I say, the world is a beautiful place ) We cranked up the bluegrass for the ride, giving us the proper setting to transition into the world of NASCAR. Here is a play list from some of the sounds of "The Redneck Road Trip".
'Holdin' On' --- Runaway Planet (These boys can do some serious pickin')
'Black Boot' -- Radio Moscow
'Codeine' -- Trampled By Turtles (Great song)
'Lonely Boy' -- The Black Keys
'Shame on You' -- Town Mountain
'Arming of Infants' --Trampled By Turtles
'Motel in Memphis' -- Old Crow Medicine Show
'Home' -Edwin Sharp and The Magnetic Zero's :)
'Little Black Submarines' -- The Black Keys
'Methamphetamine' - Old Crow Medicine Show
'Drink The Water' -- Jack Johnson
'You'll Never Leave Harlan Alive' --Darrel Scott, Danny Thompson, Kenny Malone
* 'Who Says' -- John Mayer
'Flake' -- Jack Johnson
'Stay or Leave' --DMB :(
'Gold on the Ceiling' -- The Black Keys
'Slow It Down' -- The Lumineers
'It'll Be Alright' -- The Infamous Stringdusters
*I am not a fan of John Mayer, but that song is sweet.
After a few hours of bluegrass, gas stations, and many, many mountains I started to second guess the Google map directions given to us by the dumb phone. We were deep in the mountains of South Western Virginia, far from what looked like anywhere 160,000 rednecks would be found. (at least all together that is) About the time I had given up on The Mans smart phone we rounded a final bend, and there in the middle of nowhere was a monument to NASCAR, rising up from the mountains like the Greek Coliseum, towering over the landscape. As far as the eye could see there were RV's, campers, pick ups, pop ups, tents, trailers, souped up four wheelers, motorcycles, generators, pull behinds, tarp cities, pig roasters, over sized pull behind grills, tent shops full of every NASCAR shirt known to man, 18 wheelers with giant trailers, and people........lots and lots of people. It was a truly amazing atmosphere to enter into. I have heard many times over the years that Bristol is one of the best places to experience a NASCAR event. The mountains and remoteness of the place create a very intimate setting. It is an ideal environment for a race. I have been on week long Phish and Widespread mini tours, attended GauleyFest, CheatFest, and The French Broad Rivah Festival (which is one bad ass Festival that many overlook by the way), been to 13 VT bowl games, as well as about 100 VT home games, and countless other smaller bluegrass gatherings in WNC..........oh yea, and Bonnaroo, but I only vaugly recall that weekend. For some reason those memories are cloudy. :) Additionally, my father used to take me to the NASCAR races at RIR and Charlotte as a kid.......including the 1992 Winston, which we had box seats for, and which was the first night race ever, AND one of the greatest finishes in NASCAR history. Check it out.............
'Black Boot' -- Radio Moscow
'Codeine' -- Trampled By Turtles (Great song)
'Lonely Boy' -- The Black Keys
'Shame on You' -- Town Mountain
'Arming of Infants' --Trampled By Turtles
'Motel in Memphis' -- Old Crow Medicine Show
'Home' -Edwin Sharp and The Magnetic Zero's :)
'Little Black Submarines' -- The Black Keys
'Methamphetamine' - Old Crow Medicine Show
'Drink The Water' -- Jack Johnson
'You'll Never Leave Harlan Alive' --Darrel Scott, Danny Thompson, Kenny Malone
* 'Who Says' -- John Mayer
'Flake' -- Jack Johnson
'Stay or Leave' --DMB :(
'Gold on the Ceiling' -- The Black Keys
'Slow It Down' -- The Lumineers
'It'll Be Alright' -- The Infamous Stringdusters
*I am not a fan of John Mayer, but that song is sweet.
After a few hours of bluegrass, gas stations, and many, many mountains I started to second guess the Google map directions given to us by the dumb phone. We were deep in the mountains of South Western Virginia, far from what looked like anywhere 160,000 rednecks would be found. (at least all together that is) About the time I had given up on The Mans smart phone we rounded a final bend, and there in the middle of nowhere was a monument to NASCAR, rising up from the mountains like the Greek Coliseum, towering over the landscape. As far as the eye could see there were RV's, campers, pick ups, pop ups, tents, trailers, souped up four wheelers, motorcycles, generators, pull behinds, tarp cities, pig roasters, over sized pull behind grills, tent shops full of every NASCAR shirt known to man, 18 wheelers with giant trailers, and people........lots and lots of people. It was a truly amazing atmosphere to enter into. I have heard many times over the years that Bristol is one of the best places to experience a NASCAR event. The mountains and remoteness of the place create a very intimate setting. It is an ideal environment for a race. I have been on week long Phish and Widespread mini tours, attended GauleyFest, CheatFest, and The French Broad Rivah Festival (which is one bad ass Festival that many overlook by the way), been to 13 VT bowl games, as well as about 100 VT home games, and countless other smaller bluegrass gatherings in WNC..........oh yea, and Bonnaroo, but I only vaugly recall that weekend. For some reason those memories are cloudy. :) Additionally, my father used to take me to the NASCAR races at RIR and Charlotte as a kid.......including the 1992 Winston, which we had box seats for, and which was the first night race ever, AND one of the greatest finishes in NASCAR history. Check it out.............
So based on these experiences I have a pretty good scale to judge NASCAR racing atmospheres..... ..........and Bristol is bad ass! What makes Bristol so bad ass is that it creates a festival like atmosphere on a grand scale. And festivals are all about one thing.........meetin' the people! Well, we did an exceptional job with that and met A LOT of people. (thanks to Moonshine) Lets start with some pictures of our new friends............
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| This is Rob. Rob loves 'Merica.......... |
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| ...........Rob also loves some Tennessee Moonshine........... |
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| ........and finally, Rob enjoys finally crafted Battle Axes, such as this one, which he uses to defend 'Merica. |
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| The back was even more opinionated. It told us to deport our president. Hell yea!.....'Merica. |
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| This one is my favorite.......funny part is he was born in the 90's. The back said 'The Good Ole' Days.' |
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| Exhibit A: The second greatest Redneck that ever lived........and his lovely man tittie. |
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| Exhibit B: This picture says so much about the scope of redneck we had discovered. First off, the wife beater tan can't be beat. Second, this is a forty plus year old man downin' a make shift two liter beer bong. Third, he is pointing out a hot girl in a tube top to his buddy while bonging the beer. And finally, the bud lite can, beat up pickup, and welded on roof rack........oh yea, and you can't see it but there is a generator in the back of the truck..............running. 'Nouh said! |
 This is Rob partying with who I determined to be "The greatest Redneck to Ever Live." My friend Meredith had the best quote to this picture when she said, "he's incubating' the next Republican president in there." |
After one afternoon of partyin' with these boys I knew I had reached the heart of 'Merica, and found the true soul of our country. What baffled me was this...................rednecks love 'Merica and believe it has been blessed by god. Well, the President of the United States is our symbol of 'Merica. Now, if you have ever seen the movie Black Hawk Down (fantastic movie), try and picture the scene at the beginning when food is dropped into the refugee camp and all hell breaks lose, with people ripping apart the food, fighting each other, while simultaneously being shot by the militia. Well, if someone was to take Barack Obama and drop him out of a helicopter into the middle of the Bristol races, I am pretty sure the scene would look the same. Sorry Obama, but you wouldn't last 30 seconds. These people hate you like you wouldn't believe. It baffles me. Love 'Merica. Hate our leader. Humanity is nuts!" P.S. I would say the same thing no matter who was in office."
"Focusing your life solely on making a buck shows a certain poverty of ambition. It asks too little of yourself. Because it's only when you hitch your wagon to something larger than yourself that you realize your true potential." ~Barack Obama~ |
"A beautiful woman delights the eye; a wise woman, the understanding; a pure one, the soul."
~Minna Antrim~
See ya at the races............drinkin' from a jar! PEACE
P.S. Click here or below to read Part II of this EPIC redneck adventure!
