Part III - My Social Education from a Stripper.....I mean Exotic Dancer
“Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.”
~Dr. Seuss~
I'm really trying to believe in this one guys......I promise, I am.
Tuesday was just one of those weird days where you get to the end and wonder how the hell so many abnormal things happened in 12 hours. (Part II) I decided that due to the amount of 'experiences' I already had for the week, it was best to use Hump Day as an Island day. It turned out to be a good day for it, because it rained throughout the day. I slept, and slept a lot. I have not slept like I did on this day in a long time. The weather helped, but I do not sleep during the day very often at all. It was almost like a mid-summer hibernation. I did complete one entire lap of "The Middle Lines" and hit a few rounds at Pipeline.......but for the most part I slept. It was like being in a kayaking dream for an entire day. Rain, kayaking, wilderness, and sleep. I know every true paddler out there can imagine how cool of an experience this was.
On Wednesday evening I decided to paddle to The Marina and walk to dinner. I walked back pretty late and Gator'd my boat to Brown's Island, then geared up and walked up The Canal. While on my way up I ran into a nice girl and her dog, and started talking with her. We had a lot in common, talked for a while, and then I explained why I was dressed in kayaking gear holding a paddle, but did not have a boat. (it was a pretty awkward conversation until I explained myself) We hung out for a while, talked a lot about river safety and safety meetings (she was very interested in knowing a lot about safety on the rivah), and then exchanged contact info and went on our way.
On Thursday evening I decided to DD some of the boys to Legend's for a night out. There were lots of beers, lots of funny ass conversations, and some late night puking........but everyone survived and I took my DD duties seriously.....which is pretty easy considering I don't really drink. Due to the late night debauchery, I assumed Friday morning would be a slow day of work. I was wrong. We were there right on time and had a full on day............rallying like champions! I was impressed. :)
The most interesting part about Thursday evening was that I decided to call the girl from the Canal to see if she wanted to hang out with us. She was nice and said that she would love to, but was working. It had never dawned on me to ask her what she did. Then the following conversation took place........
Canal Walk Girl - "You should come by and visit me at work."
Me - "O.k. Where do you work?"
Canal Walk Girl - "Well, have you ever heard of a club called Rouge?"
Me - "Uhhhhhhhhhhh?......Uhhhhhhhhhh?
Canal Walk Girl - (laughing), "It's ok Justin. You can say something."
Me - "Uhhhhhhhhhh?....not really sure what to say."
(at this point I put my hand over the phone, looked at my friends, and mouthed the words, "She is a Fucking Stripper!")
Canal Walk Girl - "Why don't you come by tomorrow night early and say hi. I promise you that I won't bite."
Me - "......................damn it"
(I didn't really say that. I was just thinking it)
What is so interesting about this conversation and the situation I now found myself in is that I had never actually been to a strip club, and I swear I am not lying about this. There were a few private strippers at bachelor parties, but in all honesty, those chicks kind of scared me. (I am pretty sure the last one I experienced was on Meth.) But this was different. I met this nice young lady on The Canal Walk while she was walking her dog in Umbros and a T-shirt. (I have a confession to make. She reminded me of Marcelle) The last thing I ever would have thought was she was a stripper.........which meant I was judging strippers based on stereotypes, which made me a fucking hypocrite. That isn't really fair to strippers, because as my friend put it to me..........."strippers are people too bro." (This is true)
So on Friday after the day ended I took my daily walk to the coffee shop and talked with Lindy. (Believe it or not, I considered inviting Lindy to the Strip Club, but was afraid the experience might kill him) Then I cruised up the road around 7pm to have yet another first time experience.........a visit to a strip club.
“If someone is able to show me that what I think or do is not right, I will happily change, for I seek the truth, by which no one was ever truly harmed. It is the person who continues in his self-deception and ignorance who is harmed.”
~Marcus Aurelius, Meditations~
So the situation was set. I walked into my first strip club, alone, at 7pm, on a Friday, with seven bucks, and I had just taken a safety break............this was not a good situation for me. As soon as I entered I realized I was in WAY over my head. For those of you you have never entered a strip club at 7pm on a Friday, let me paint you a picture. There are about 30 girls, all standing around looking very beautiful.......and naked, with nothing to do, and maybe two crusty old dudes creepin' everyone out.....................and me, looking like a deer in headlights. (and probably also looking like a crusty old dude creepin' everyone out) I had no fucking clue what to do, and my friend was nowhere to be seen. I was screwed.
I decided the best thing to do was get a beer, so I ordered the cheapest beer they had, the People's Beer of RVA. I figured I was safe with that. "Five dollars", the bartender responded. Damn it. Now I have two dollars and have been here three minutes. I felt like Dave Chappelle in Half Baked when he tried to go out on a date without letting the girl know he was broke. I figured my safest bet was to retreat into the corner and pray I could just hide in the shadows and wait until I saw friendly forces arrive.
After about half an hour of not fitting in at all and looking confused, bewildered, impressed, shocked, scared shitless, and probably a bit creepy, a nice young lady approached me who wasn't trying to take the two bucks I had left in my pocket. (I was now guarding these two dollars with my life) She sat down and talked with me for a moment. The conversation went something like this...........
Me - "Ummmmm, do you know (name omitted for anonymity)?"
Nice Stripper - "yea, but she doesn't come in until nine."
Me - "Seriously?"
Nice Stripper - "yea. why?"
Me - "Welllllllll, believe it or not I had never been in a strip club until about half an hour ago and I have no clue what to do. I am meeting her here"
Nice Stripper - "That explains why you look so clueless."
Me - "Thanks"
She took pity on me and we talked for a while, and I found her to be very intriguing. You see, I grew up playing soccer and I was a goalkeeper. Anyone who knows soccer, knows that goalkeepers are weird, crazy, usually agro as hell, and unpredictable. These traits also describe every woman I have ever been attracted too. I asked her how she had become a stripper, all while appreciating the athletic talents of the girls on stage. (I was multitasking) She said she had played soccer and had torn her ACL, and when it healed she started dancing and found it to be athletic and fun. Then I asked her what position she played..........yep, you guessed it, "Goalkeeper". As I have stated before, I don't go looking for this shit, it simply falls into my lap. (No pun intended......lap dance....get it.)
Eventually, one of my friends friends (we will call him "The Dude".......yes Lebowski fans, I did that) came into the club to track me down. He approached me, asked me if I was Justin, and I said yes. He then said (The Canal Girl) was upstairs and that I was in the wrong place..............figures. I followed him upstairs and was happy that I was still alive exiting the club. After some time hanging out in her apartment (yes, she lived above the club, which was actually very cool.....I will explain later), The Dude talked me into a 'cheap' night downstairs at the club.
The next six hours of my life were spent being given an in-depth social education on the dynamics of a strip club. I was fascinated. Some of these girls can work a room better than Governor McDonnells wife at a private fundraiser in her own home. They were good, and the girl I had met on the Canal Walk was by far the best. It was impressive.
My conclusions from the night were as follow:
1. Stripping and Raft Guiding are pretty much the same - A good guide is going to create the environment for their clients, and give them every emotion possible on a trip. They should be excited, scared, determined, worried, happy, relaxed, and appreciative of the environment around them. A good stripper is going to create an environment as well. Half the guys in there were nothing more than lonely old dudes who wanted someone to talk to. They knew they were not going home with these girls, but they also knew that outside of the club these girls would never even bother to have a conversation with them. They go home feeling self confident and satisfied with their social manhood...........and they probably have a massive case of blue balls as well. Additionally, strippers and river guides both work for tips.....strippers just make a shitload more money than we do. (On that note, for all the butt hurt women reading this blog right now and turning their noses up at strippers.......those girls make a lot more money than you, and they probably have better social skills as well, so get the fuck over yourselves. You're not that special.........strippers are.)
2. Most of the girls working there were hot.....really hot. I stated earlier that I was a hypocrite for judging strippers, which is true. Another stereotype I had about them was that they all looked like meth'd out trailer trash. (if you are reading this and live in a trailer..........my bad. But if you are reading this and are meth'd out........get help. If you are both meth'd out and living in a trailer, try not to blow anything up......and get help.)
3. I had a fucking awesome time! The girls didn't care that I was a broke homeless man living on an island. I straight up told them about my situation, and not a single one of them judged me for it. Plus, they kept talking to me knowing I was broke. They were all nice as can be, and we had the same conversations that I would have had in a bar.............only with hot, naked girls. How could I have not had a good time.
4. This is by far the most important rule.............DON'T FALL IN LOVE WITH THE STRIPPERS! For me, this was going to be a challenge. If there is one weakness in my life, it's beautiful, half naked women.............I doubt I am alone in this.
I had such a great time, I decided that a second visit on Saturday night was needed, only this time the experience turned out to be much different...........................................(To Be Continued)
“I was a hip kid. When I saw Bambi it was the midnight show.”
~George Carlin~
The next six hours of my life were spent being given an in-depth social education on the dynamics of a strip club. I was fascinated. Some of these girls can work a room better than Governor McDonnells wife at a private fundraiser in her own home. They were good, and the girl I had met on the Canal Walk was by far the best. It was impressive.
My conclusions from the night were as follow:
1. Stripping and Raft Guiding are pretty much the same - A good guide is going to create the environment for their clients, and give them every emotion possible on a trip. They should be excited, scared, determined, worried, happy, relaxed, and appreciative of the environment around them. A good stripper is going to create an environment as well. Half the guys in there were nothing more than lonely old dudes who wanted someone to talk to. They knew they were not going home with these girls, but they also knew that outside of the club these girls would never even bother to have a conversation with them. They go home feeling self confident and satisfied with their social manhood...........and they probably have a massive case of blue balls as well. Additionally, strippers and river guides both work for tips.....strippers just make a shitload more money than we do. (On that note, for all the butt hurt women reading this blog right now and turning their noses up at strippers.......those girls make a lot more money than you, and they probably have better social skills as well, so get the fuck over yourselves. You're not that special.........strippers are.)
2. Most of the girls working there were hot.....really hot. I stated earlier that I was a hypocrite for judging strippers, which is true. Another stereotype I had about them was that they all looked like meth'd out trailer trash. (if you are reading this and live in a trailer..........my bad. But if you are reading this and are meth'd out........get help. If you are both meth'd out and living in a trailer, try not to blow anything up......and get help.)
3. I had a fucking awesome time! The girls didn't care that I was a broke homeless man living on an island. I straight up told them about my situation, and not a single one of them judged me for it. Plus, they kept talking to me knowing I was broke. They were all nice as can be, and we had the same conversations that I would have had in a bar.............only with hot, naked girls. How could I have not had a good time.
4. This is by far the most important rule.............DON'T FALL IN LOVE WITH THE STRIPPERS! For me, this was going to be a challenge. If there is one weakness in my life, it's beautiful, half naked women.............I doubt I am alone in this.
I had such a great time, I decided that a second visit on Saturday night was needed, only this time the experience turned out to be much different...........................................(To Be Continued)
“I was a hip kid. When I saw Bambi it was the midnight show.”
~George Carlin~
Pray for Rain. See ya on the rivah......or at the strip club. PEACE!
