~The Lumineers~
About two years ago I went to the doctor and told him life sucked. He responded by using his wealth of medical knowledge and 10 years of medical school to solve the problem.................he gave me a pill. (thank God for degrees, otherwise, how the hell would we know who can give us our pills) I went back three months later and told him "the shit didn't work", so he gave me a bigger pill. Then I went back six months later and told him "the bigger shit didn't work", so he gave me the biggest pill..............I didn't bother going back to him again. I decided instead to start thinking for myself. My conclusion was that ever since I started taking the pill the doc gave me I felt like someone else, acted like someone else, and lacked any emotional connections with anyone. I call it the "I don't give a fuck pill."..............because that is what it does. The doctor also gave me the "get shit done pill", medically known as Adderall, but we will get to that little blue beast later...........long story short, thanks for the speed doc!
The reason I begin with this story is because something in my life, and more importantly, inside myself, has changed in the past two weeks. I decide to cold turkey the "I don't give a shit pill." 40mg of Celexa, just dropped out of my system all at once. I was told this was not a good idea, and the little doctor inside my computer told me through Google that I was going to feel like shit..........he was right. (because everything that Google says is the truth....otherwise they wouldn't allow us to see it.......right?) It was harder than I thought it would be, but I used kayaking, work, and friends to get through the situation. (Thank you to everyone involved) After about two weeks of constantly feeling like I had the flu and seriously screwy sleeping patterns I am starting to actually feel like a human being again..........I am actually able to feel anything again. It's very strange.................I also couldn't feel my fingers or toes for about a week. That was strange too.
A good friend who helped me get through the withdrawals put it best. He said, "you got duped by Big Drug America." I agree with him 100%. Anyone who reads this site regularly knows that my one true vice (besides beautiful, half naked strippers of course) does not happen to be legal. Let me rephrase, that.........my one true vice does not happen to be legal in Virginia. (don't even get me started on that). Because of it's problems with our laws, I have a bit of experience in illegal drug dealing. I also have plenty of experience in going to the doctor and being given a prescription, otherwise known as legal drug dealing. My point is this: THEY ARE THE EXACT SAME!!! My second point is this: OUR SYSTEM IS A FUCKING JOKE!!!
The last two years have been a spiraling black hole of destroyed friendships, broken family ties, failed relationships, and resentments towards people who loved me........those were the results of that wonderful little pill. Now, here is the part where you learn how much of an asshole I am...................I do not take any of it back, and yes, I am that stubborn. I truly believe that everything happened for a reason, and that the true colors of the people around me were reveled through the experience. The list of cut ties in my life is long, and I do not ever plan on mending any of them. But more importantly, the list of new friendships in my life is longer.......and that is my future.
The cool part about all of it is that there were so many people who stood by my side, no matter how bad it got, and dealt with my bull shit in stride. That is friendship, and I am indebted to you all for life. Thank you. (and to the haters, trust me when I say this. There are many on that side who still have close ties to me. They are just smart enough to keep it to themselves. They know you expect them to choose.........seriously boys, that's fucked up.)
There have been a lot of people who told me I have been writing with a different style the past few weeks. I wouldn't have noticed. When I sit down I simply write about what is on my mind, and I allow however I feel at the time to dictate what I decide to say. I am not doing this to call people out constantly, prove a point, or even tell a good story here or there. Those are all just bonuses. I am doing this because I realized that I have to get it out before I move on......................it is that simple. It doesn't seem fair that everyone else gets to talk about it and tell their versions of the story, but the one person who it actually happened to doesn't get to tell his side. Remember..........everyone's perception is their own reality. That goes for us all.
I am grateful for a few things along the way. First, I convinced myself that I could have a successful relationship with a 20 year old home wrecking whore during the ride........what a fucking joke that was. But I did date her, and she is not a nice person. However, I am grateful that the entire time I did date her I was taking those little pills. It helped me "not give a shit" about her constant bull shit and whining, and it never gave her the opportunity to have the real me. I mean, she chased me for years, and then when she finally got me I became a different person and was a real asshole. You may have gotten the best of me in a lot of ways FSW, but the one thing you NEVER had was the real me. For that I am truly grateful, because the real me ROCKS, and Marcelle was the ONLY girl who ever deserved that part of me.
Second, I am grateful for the ones who never left. There are so many, and you are not only my friends. You are my family as well. Thank you.
Finally, I am grateful for the ones I have met along the way. I have made A LOT of new friendships that I value more than any I have ever had before. It is a pretty cool experience and helps me look forward to the future.
"Every form of addiction is bad, no matter whether the narcotic be alcohol or morphine or idealism."
~Carl Jung~
This post is not going to do anything to solve the med debate. We are a country addicted to pills. They are everywhere, in every form. I don't know how I am not dead. In 2010 I was The Sports and Aquatics Director for the Y, raised two boys, one of which was a baby, assisted in building a private outdoor camp, led the kayaking element and all equipment inventory on weekends, had a night job cleaning a pool near my home, played on two soccer teams twice on week nights and once on weekends, and kayaked as much as possible, as well as traveling to kayak..................the only way a human being can accomplish that is if they are on speed! Sad thing was, I pulled it off for so long people didn't even notice when I started collapsing. The point is, pills are dangerous. I don't care if you are swiping them from a shady back door dealer, or are walking into CVS with your little piece of paper. It is all the same. The people bad mouthing marijuana are probably all popping pills as they do it....................so shame on you. Its a fucking weed. It grows in the dirt. You are going to go out of your way to screw money out of the poor by making that illegal, and then turn around and mass produce synthetic drugs, legalize them, and then have a man that is friends with you hand out prescriptions like they are candy. That is fucked up and is yet another reason I hate the system. Only poor people are arrested for marijuana but everyone smokes it. It makes no sense to me. Then in "rehab", the poor people are convinced they need pills to be happy. That is even more fucked up!
Anyway, this post derailed from its original objective, but I don't care. It is somewhat of the beginnings of my story, so now you have a bit of a background about what is coming, because the bulk of the story begins in 2010 when things started getting crazy. Before I go, think about one thing. If you are a healthy, young adult and you wake up in the morning and put a pill in your mouth to go about your day, ask yourself this question......what would my day be like without it? More importantly, what would I be like without it? If the answer is something other than who you already are, then you are bull shitting yourself as badly as I bullshitted myself. Feelings can suck, especially when bad shit happens to us in our lives. But feelings can also be wonderful. Watching the birth of your sons, falling in love, scoring the winning goal, styling a perfect waterfall, walking alone through a forest, climbing a mountain, mountain biking, surfing, reading a great book, discovering a new way to live, solo boating at midnight under a full moon, dropping Gorilla, walking into Lane Stadium on a Thursday night...............or looking into your own children's eyes after a long absence: These are the reasons I stopped putting that shit in my body. I don't just want to be there anymore. I want to be a part of it all. I want to feel everything the world has to offer, so bring it on!
"If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the music which he hears, however measured or far away."
~Henry David Thoreau~
Anyway, this post derailed from its original objective, but I don't care. It is somewhat of the beginnings of my story, so now you have a bit of a background about what is coming, because the bulk of the story begins in 2010 when things started getting crazy. Before I go, think about one thing. If you are a healthy, young adult and you wake up in the morning and put a pill in your mouth to go about your day, ask yourself this question......what would my day be like without it? More importantly, what would I be like without it? If the answer is something other than who you already are, then you are bull shitting yourself as badly as I bullshitted myself. Feelings can suck, especially when bad shit happens to us in our lives. But feelings can also be wonderful. Watching the birth of your sons, falling in love, scoring the winning goal, styling a perfect waterfall, walking alone through a forest, climbing a mountain, mountain biking, surfing, reading a great book, discovering a new way to live, solo boating at midnight under a full moon, dropping Gorilla, walking into Lane Stadium on a Thursday night...............or looking into your own children's eyes after a long absence: These are the reasons I stopped putting that shit in my body. I don't just want to be there anymore. I want to be a part of it all. I want to feel everything the world has to offer, so bring it on!
"If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the music which he hears, however measured or far away."
~Henry David Thoreau~
Pray for Rain! See ya on the rivah.....................PEACE
