Week Fourteen - The Conclusion of "Adventures in a Strip Club"

"Have you ever wondered if those dollar bills in your wallet might have once been in a strippers butt? You're wondering now..."

                                          ~Anonymous -but whomever said it is a genius~

   Saturday came and I was blurry eyed, a little bit hungover (I had four beers.  How sad is that), and not in the mood to paddle...........but the water was still up so I had no choice.  Problem was, all I could think about were strippers.  What can I say, my brain is easily poisoned.  Seriously, I ran the Poop Shoot and missed my line because I was thinking about the strippers.  After a quick workout on "The Middle Lines" (record time - 48 minutes, even with carnage at The Poop Shoot), I drove out to an anonymous friends house to hang for the evening.  My friend is a big part of this story, so we will call him "The Man" for the sake of the story, and because he is a stern Republican (get it).  He IS the man in my opinion, and this story will explain why.

   I arrived at The Mans house for a night of chilling and low key conversation........but again, all I could think about was strippers.  After watching some TV (which for some reason no longer interests me after being on The Island) I asked him if he wanted to go out for the evening.  The Man is entrenched deeply in the pits of domestication, with the wife, kid, house in the suburbs, dog, two cats, his own company, and stress......lots of it, at least according to him.  Getting this kind of a person to go out after 8pm once they hit their 30's is an impossible task.  His wife and daughter were out of town, and he is not poor by any means, so the excuses were pathetic and weak.  I decided that I would tempt him with stories of the previous night, and although he was intrigued, he wasn't biting.  So I decided to go to Plan B...........feed him half a bottle of Crown Royal and then ask again, "would you like to go to the Strip Club?"  Once the bottle was finished the answer was a very confident "HELL YES!", so away we went.

   Obviously I was the DD, and by the time we got there, I was worried about The Man's ability to properly function inside the club, but he is notorious for rallying better than anyone.  I promised him we wouldn't need to spend that much money, which was important since he knew I was broke.  He is used to nights being on him, which is not always fair.  We do however, always have a great time in whatever we do, so there was no telling where this night would lead us.  After arriving, we were greeted by my new friends and had a seat in the corner, engaging ourselves in conversations with beautiful, half naked women.  The night was early, and it was slow, so we had plenty of friends to talk to.  After a while, The Man leaned over and told me that since I had never had a lap dance I was going to be experiencing one tonight.............obviously the Crown Royal was kicking in.  I told him I was all good, and would rather he receive a lap dance and enjoy his escape from the depths of domestication.  

   Then I met Kendall......obviously that is not her real name, but I didn't care.  Kendall was absolutely beautiful, innocent looking (which made her even more attractive), and came over and sat right next to me when I was alone.  I found this interesting because I am pretty sure she was reading me perfectly, and new that out of every girl in the place, I found her to be a cut above the rest.  We spoke for a few minutes, and then I turned to The Man and subtly asked, "Is that lap dance offer still on the table?"  He laughed and said "yea.  Sure buddy."  Then he got up and staggered across the room.  Kendall asked me if he was ok, and I simply stated, "He is drunk as shit."  After a minute or two I realized I needed to indeed check to see if he was ok.  I thought he had gone to the bathroom, but when I stepped into the other room, I found that he was at the ATM.

   Now, there is something very important you need to know about The Man.  When he is sober, he is the tightest person I have ever seen with money.  When he is drunk, shit is going to go down, no matter the cost. Knowing this about him, I hurried over to the ATM and said, "dude, it is only 65 bucks for a lap dance, so take it easy."

   "Too late bro!  I got out 500.....lets go get some strippers!!!!"

   Quote of the night if you ask me, maybe the year. (by the way, his justification for this was that the ATM charged him 30 bucks in service fees, so he wanted to make it worth the surcharge.  That is how the mind works on Crown Royal)  Before I knew what was happening I was handed a wad of 20's and told to summon the strippers.  I followed directions, but I was cut off by my friend from The Canal on the way back across the room.  Now, it is important to remember that in the last post I stated she "could work a room better than Governor McDonnell's wife at a fundraiser in her own home?"  Well, she could work a clueless man with a wad of cash in his hand just as well.  Before long, she had worked out some sort of deal so that both The Man and I had a two for one. (still not sure what that means)  We were then both taken away to another floor.............on the way up the stairs I understood what it is like for rafting customers walking down the trail on their way to the river.  I was excited, curious, confused, a little frightened, and totally at the mercy of Kendall.
   This is the part where I disappoint everyone and let you know of rule #2 at the club........what happens in the Champagne Room stays in the Champagne Room.  But I will tell you that Chris Rock is right.......there is no sex in the Champagne Room.  There is however plenty of other shit going on in there. As I exited my newly discovered favorite room on earth I tallied up the things that I had learned............
1.  I have nothing to compare this too, but I am pretty sure Kendall is amazing at her job.
2.  I am also pretty sure that Kendall is my next ex-wife.  (seriously, no one marries a stripper for life)
3.  The Man is and always will be The Man (you hear that you stubborn SOB!)
4.  I had broken Rule #1.........although I have no soul, I had fallen in love with a stripper. (Thanks T-Pain)        

   The remainder of the night was a complete blur of amazingly beautiful women, funny ass conversations with strippers about stripping, and an even more in-depth knowledge of the social dynamics of a strip club.  Thank you to all the girls at the club for displaying your amazing talents. (seriously, some of those girls can do things on a pole I thought to have been impossible.........somehow that came out wrong.)  But in all seriousness, you ladies have some unique talents and I feel you are underpaid for the services you provide.  (God I hope they read this)
   The next day was rather blurry again.  Can't figure out why that would be.........I remember waking up in the apartment above the strip club where myself, The Man, The Dude, and half the work force of Rougue had ended the night with a lengthy conversation about safety on the river.  Hey, what can I say.......strippers are all about river safety.  There was supposed to be a scheduled raft trip in the afternoon with a boat full of strippers the next day (just for the shock and awe aspect.............it would have given you haters plenty to talk about for the next week), however I learned one more important rule..............anything scheduled before 5pm that involves strippers only has a 50% chance of happening.  Also, the river was still just below nine feet, so things were pumping.  Due to this, the haters at Fourteenth Street can now look forward to a boat full of strippers cruising down the river later on this month.
   The Man once again rallied like a champion though, and we decided to end the craziest week of my year with an R-2 trip down the James at 8.5 feet.  I was hurting at this point, and my guiding skills showed it.  I styled it through Hollywood, almost killed The Man trying to surf X's, missed the ferry after 2nd Break (which I have NEVER missed before), and barely missed the hole at Third Drop.  My ego is about to speak..........when I am fucking up that bad guiding a raft, you know it was a good night.  There could not have been a better conclusion to the week.

~Quote~

'There is a strip club in California named Plan B.  When the owner was asked, "why did you name your club Plan B?", he responded, "going out and picking up a woman to get naked for you is Plan A.......if that fails, go to Plan B."  That strip club owner is a genius.'   



    I want to conclude with one very important note................I am experiencing life in my own way right now, and that is a good thing.  But every moment of every experience is paralleled with a gaping hole that exists in my soul.  At times, I question whether I even have a soul anymore.  All the beautiful strippers, endless whitewater, late nights with the boys, bikini clad beach girls, or Absinthe induced bonfires will never overshadow the pain I feel every moment of every day missing my boys.  I have not forgotten and I am not giving up.  There have been a lot of terrible things said to me lately by a lot of fucked in the head butt hurt people concerning my children. Things like "how does it feel to know your kids call another man daddy" and "you are a degenerate piece of shit that deserves to have your children taken (followed by being spit in the face with dip spit).  I don't know why anyone would do something like that, but I know I have this ability to type words that generate an extreme amount of emotion and rage from people.  I want the people that say those things to know this.........it hurts, badly.  You are both fathers and you are both extremely butt hurt assholes.  I do not know why.  But I do know this.  If the tables were turned and you were in my shoes, no amount of anger or rage could ever allow me to attack you about your children.  I just know that I could never bring myself to do it.  THAT is why I will finish what I have started.  I have also heard that the rumor is that I gave up on my children.  This is as far from the truth as possible, but on this note I feel no need to explain myself............I will simply say "Fuck you!"
   If you are ever curious to know what it feels like to be in my shoes, listen carefully to the following words and watch the video........closely.  Hopefully my boys find their own smiles from the backseat, and remember boys, keep your head up.  Daddy loves you.

   Keep praying for rain.  It's only half time.  Rivers coming up and the weather gods haven't abandoned us yet.  Enjoy the weekend and I will see ya on the rivah........PEACE!