This is Part III of a short story. It will make very little sense unless you read Part I and II first. You can click here to access them.................... Part I and Part II
“In the end that was the choice you made, and it doesn't matter how hard it was to make it. It matters that you did.”
~Cassandra Clare~
The Fall of 2007 continued to flow forward, and as it did a decision weighed heavily on my mind......................WNC had been my home for the past three years, and during that time I had fallen in love with the mountains, the whitewater, and the lifestyle we were living. Much of the reason I had fallen in love with our home is because Marcelle had shared in the experience with me. Now she wanted to move on, and in my heart I knew I wanted to stay. I pondered the decision for months, and as I did I continued to explore the rivahs and cricks of our whitewater paradise. How could the two variables in my life that brought me true prosperity be at odds with one another?...............how could I make a decision that I didn't want to make? How could I choose between my one true love, and the only place I ever called "home"? After months of contemplation and many solo paddles to free my mind and gain a clear perspective, I had come to a decision..................I would stay in WNC, and I would let go of Marcelle. The decision broke my heart, but at the same time, I concluded that I could never be satisfied with myself by basing the decisions of how to lead my life solely on the path of another. I loved Marcelle with all of my heart, and felt that standing my ground and speaking the TRUTH would be the best way to move forward with my life. If we were truly meant to be together, then the TRUTH would be the only way for that to happen.
The decision had been made, and now it was time to tell Marcelle. She had spent the Fall wrapping up her job, planning her six months in Africa, and preparing for the next chapter of her life. I continued working at my job, and on an ordinary evening in late November, I made the decision to tell Marcelle the decision I had made about our future. Throughout that day I practiced over and over in my mind how I would explain my decision, and what I would say. My hope was that she would change her mind and want to stay.
That afternoon I picked up two brothers who were Mental Health clients for my agency. The boys mother had very little attentiveness in parenting, and although I made many pursuits to work with her and help her, I found more success in working directly with her sons. After an afternoon adventure in the forests of Dupont we returned to the boys home so that I could drop them off with their mother. When I pulled up to the house there were multiple cop cars parked outside, and a handful of police officers and people in the front yard. A man was standing out front in hand cuffs, and the boys mother was speaking with the police.
That afternoon I picked up two brothers who were Mental Health clients for my agency. The boys mother had very little attentiveness in parenting, and although I made many pursuits to work with her and help her, I found more success in working directly with her sons. After an afternoon adventure in the forests of Dupont we returned to the boys home so that I could drop them off with their mother. When I pulled up to the house there were multiple cop cars parked outside, and a handful of police officers and people in the front yard. A man was standing out front in hand cuffs, and the boys mother was speaking with the police.
After speaking with an officer and explaining who I was and who I worked for, I discovered that the boys mother had been harboring her fugitive boyfriend in the house for weeks, and he had been hiding in the attic when I would stop by. Needless to say, this was concerning to me on a professional level, and I informed the police officer that I would need to contact my supervisor to see how to handle the situation. When I announced this to the officer, the mother overheard my plan and became hysterical. She grabbed my hands from her knees and begged me not to take away her children. At the time I didn't understand the drastic nature of her reaction.......................I understand it now. While on her knees she looked up at me and said something I will never forget. She said, "Please! You don't understand. You don't have children. You are not a father. You don't understand what it is like. Please don't take my children." Ultimately the decision was not mine to make, and over the course of the evening the situation was transferred over to my supervisor, and I was free to leave that nightmare and head home to Marcelle, where I would face my own life changing dilemma.
When I returned home I was rather out-of-sorts due to the unfortunate situation I had just witnessed. Marcelle asked me about my day, and I began to explain the entire situation to her. As I did, she quietly sat and listened, and I informed her of everything, including what the mother had said to me. Then, while explaining the story, out of nowhere, Marcelle stopped me, looked me in the eyes, and said................ "I'm pregnant."
~Margaret Atwood~
I stood there in silence, stunned, trying to grasp the reality of what she had just told me. First I thought about throwing up out of sheer fear and shock. Then I thought about running into the depths of Pisgah as fast as possible to escape the reality of adulthood that had just punched me in the teeth with the same force as Tyson in his prime. Then Marcelle spoke for a second time. Once again, I will never forget what she said. She stated very calmly and very sternly, "I want you to know I am going to have this baby with or without you. I don't want to force you to do anything you don't want to do, but I want to be a mother. I am going to Africa, then I will return to Virginia and raise this baby. You can come with me if you want, but I will not force you to. I can do this with you, or without you.".............The "A" word entered into my mind for only a split second, but it is a thought that quickly faded away after I realized I could never support that decision in this situation. I was 29 years old, and was ready to be a father............well, as ready as anyone could ever be to be a father. I told her that I wanted to be a part of our baby's life, and I would do what needed to be done to make that happen. I wanted us to make the decision together, but if it was going to be made for me (which it appeared it had been), then I was going to do the right thing..................I was going to be a part of my sons life. Right there in the living room of our tiny cabin deep in the mountains of WNC, everything about my life changed. And it was right there at that moment that I knew I could never tell Marcelle what I had planned to tell her that night......................that I was going to stay when she left. And that is what I did. I never told her. I knew I would have to let WNC go.
“I'll never know, and neither will you, of the life you don't choose. We'll only know that whatever that sister life was, it was important and beautiful and not ours. It was the ghost ship that didn't carry us. There's nothing to do but salute it from the shore.”
~Cheryl Strayed~
~Cheryl Strayed~
Time to flash forward three years............to August of 2010. Marcelle and I had moved back from WNC and had been living in RVA for the past three years. During that time I lunged into my career at the YMCA as a Program Director, had been promoted, we had built a life together, and I had done exactly what I said I was going to do...........become a father and built our family. Marcelle and I had been married quietly with only family present before having our second son during the Christmas season of 2009, and our friends had asked us to have a party to celebrate the nuptials. We held the party at Marcelle's family home in Charlottesville. So on that summer evening in 2010 the people from throughout our lives gathered together to celebrate our young and promising family. Marlow, our first son, ran around as a rambunctious two-year-old, and Quint, our second son, was nothing more than an infant sleeping quietly inside. The celebration included a table of kayakers and Dirt Bag Paddlers mixed among the divergent crowd. After dinner our family and friends began the typical tradition of toasting us and our "happily ever after" existence. There were many toasts given that evening, but only one stands out in my mind........................the toast given by Marcelle's younger brother. It is a toast I wish I had never heard, and one that would inevitably change everything about our life together.
“Every moment before this one depends on this one.”
~Jonathan Safran Foer~
“Every moment before this one depends on this one.”
~Jonathan Safran Foer~
I know I am not the only one who remembers that toast. It was an arduous toast to forget, because it was rather galling and made many people recoil into their seats. Most were uncomfortable because of the reference he made about the color of my skin. I was one of the only white men Marcelle had ever dated, and her brother stated that during the toast. It was meant to be a lighthearted joke, but my friends at the wedding told me it came across uncouth. But then he made a second statement. He told a story about Marcelle discovering that she was pregnant in 2007 and coming home to discuss her options with the family. Her brother stated that the "A word" was brought up and discussed during that time, but ultimately Marcelle and her family decided it was best to have the baby. His reference was meant to tie together where they could have been if decisions had been made differently, as opposed to where we actually ended up............the irony of the toast is shockingly adumbrate.
Right there, surrounded by my family and friends, a harsh realization occurred to me................"this was not my life". I immediately thought back to that night three years before, and to the conversation that Marcelle and I had in the living room of our cabin. I realized that by the time I had found out about our pregnancy, everything had already been decided. I realized there in the middle of my wedding party that when Marcelle stated "I can do this with you or without you", what she was really saying was "this is my show now, and my life. You can come along for the ride if you want, but you are really not needed."..................this is difficult for me to explain. Most importantly though I thought about what would have occurred if the decision made by "the family" had been different. What if they had decided to pursue the "A" word...........my conclusion is that I would have never even known of Marlow's existence.
Everything about The Island Chronicles focuses on the belief that "perception is reality". As I have been writing these memoirs, most people, especially the haters, have probably assumed that I follow that logic to justify a lot of the Hate I write about others. Many perceive that I view their perception as being different from my own, and in doing so they must be wrong..................that logic is far from the TRUTH. I follow the belief that "perception is reality" because at some point along my path, my perception of life became very different from my reality.................sitting in that wedding party surrounded by my family and friends was that point in time.
“There are things known and there are things unknown, and in between are the doors of perception.”
~Aldous Huxley~
As the realization occurred to me that I in fact had zero control over the outcome of my life for the past three years, I became angry inside................very angry. My anger was unjustified, and should have been quickly overlooked to focus on the bigger picture...............my family. But my perception of the situation confused me, and the reality was unintentionally overlooked. But who could I tell? Who could I talk to about it?.............not a damn soul. Here I was, surrounded by everyone who was close to me, and I felt more alone than I had ever been, but most of all I felt scared. I realized if I didn't follow along with the golden plan that had been laid out, I would be simply discarded to the side, but my children would keep moving on. Everything changed that night, and I have not been the same person since then. I lost myself during that party and forgot what was most important to me...........those two little beautiful boys and my beautiful wife. It was two days after that party that The Fourteenth Street Whore first entered onto my radar screen. That was almost four years ago.
"Lost time is never found again."
~Ben Franklin~
Everything about The Island Chronicles focuses on the belief that "perception is reality". As I have been writing these memoirs, most people, especially the haters, have probably assumed that I follow that logic to justify a lot of the Hate I write about others. Many perceive that I view their perception as being different from my own, and in doing so they must be wrong..................that logic is far from the TRUTH. I follow the belief that "perception is reality" because at some point along my path, my perception of life became very different from my reality.................sitting in that wedding party surrounded by my family and friends was that point in time.
“There are things known and there are things unknown, and in between are the doors of perception.”
~Aldous Huxley~
As the realization occurred to me that I in fact had zero control over the outcome of my life for the past three years, I became angry inside................very angry. My anger was unjustified, and should have been quickly overlooked to focus on the bigger picture...............my family. But my perception of the situation confused me, and the reality was unintentionally overlooked. But who could I tell? Who could I talk to about it?.............not a damn soul. Here I was, surrounded by everyone who was close to me, and I felt more alone than I had ever been, but most of all I felt scared. I realized if I didn't follow along with the golden plan that had been laid out, I would be simply discarded to the side, but my children would keep moving on. Everything changed that night, and I have not been the same person since then. I lost myself during that party and forgot what was most important to me...........those two little beautiful boys and my beautiful wife. It was two days after that party that The Fourteenth Street Whore first entered onto my radar screen. That was almost four years ago.
"Lost time is never found again."
~Ben Franklin~
See ya on the rivah...................appreciating every moment that lies ahead of us. PEACE
