“There is nothing more frightful than ignorance in action.”
~Johann Wolfgang von Goethe~
"SUPing sucks.".......................that about sums it up. Not much more is needed to be said about the so-called-sport of Stand Up Paddle Boarding. My motto for years has been that simple. "SUPing sucks." I would have gone into detail to explain myself in the past, but I figured why waste my breath. People who SUP are experts at defending their own so-called "sport" because it is all they seem to do. Defend it. Well, that and swim...........a lot. So I wasn't going to be baited into pointless debates about why standing up while being swept down whitewater rapids is a really stupid idea. Let me repeat. I wasn't going to debate why trying to stand up while being swept down whitewater rapids is a really stupid idea. Am I the only one who seems to understand how simple this conversation should be?................apparently I am. So it looks like it is time to bring some HATE, Island Chronicles style.
"Just because a person can take a dump standing up doesn't mean they should do it for fun."
~Justin Harris~
"Just because a person can take a dump standing up doesn't mean they should do it for fun."
~Justin Harris~
I was simply going to put the above quote up and call it a day, seeing that it perfectly explains this entire post (and because it is the first time I have ever quoted myself in The IC), but let's look a bit closer at the "activity" that is SUP. Hating on SUPing just to hate would not validate wasting space in The Island Chronicles. I can do that in person at anytime. But justifying why SUPing is not a sport in a logical and informative way does warrant the time and energy it takes to build The Island Chronicles. As I have stated before, I was raised by a kindergarten teacher (which explains so much about what is wrong with me), and I was taught that everything in life should be organized and written out in concise, productive lists.............which is bull shit by the way. (and on a side note, you do NOT learn everything you need to know about life in kindergarten) However, I feel that the best way to inform you about why SUPing sucks would be by listing the ten most obvious reasons. (there are A LOT more than just these 10) Let us begin with the most simple and straight forward......................
1. SUPing is stupid...........not the most profound or intellectual reason, but then again, SUPing is not a profound or intellectual activity. The next nine reasons will strengthen and validate reason #1, but I feel this reason deserves to be first, because as I just stated, it truly is that simple.................SUPing is just stupid.
2. Edging....................This is the fundamental argument of logic that I use to explain why the concept of whitewater SUPing is an impossible feet to accomplish. Kayaks have edging that make them three dimensional and able to plane and catch water and current. It is the edging and three dimensional cut of the boat design that allows it to turn on a dime, catch micro eddies, jet ferry at high speeds, and comfortably maneuver through tight whitewater puzzles. Now look at the design of a whitewater raft. A raft sits flat against the water and has no edging or ability to plane against current and water. Because of this, when you turn a raft it continues to drift in the same direction until your custy's propel the boat in its new direction. So simply put, a kayak, or hard boat, is designed with edges that allow it to cut into the water and turn tightly and smoothly. A raft is designed with a flat bottom that does not carve into water and prevents it from turning tightly or smoothly. Basically, paddling a kayak is the equivalent of driving a Porsche. Paddling a raft is like driving a school bus.
So edging equals agility, and flat equals slow and non agile. Question..................does a SUP look three dimensional or flat to you? I rest my case.
So edging equals agility, and flat equals slow and non agile. Question..................does a SUP look three dimensional or flat to you? I rest my case.
3. Whitewater + Gravity + Standing Up = Beatering on the next level! ...............'Nough said. Even if you are not associated with the whitewater, this example will make perfect sense to you. It's just that simple of a concept.
4. People who take up SUP are those who do not have the self discipline to learn the skills of REAL paddle sports....................This reason is simple to explain. I could give a non-paddler a whitewater kayak and ask them to paddle in flat water, with a skirt on, without receiving any instruction. Believe it or not, people have drowned this way before. I could give a non-paddler an open boat and ask them to paddle some easy Class II and they would probably not make it more than ten feet before swimming.........why is this? The answer is simple. Kayaking and Open Boating require a developed skill that takes time to master and build upon. There are no posers in kayaking, one of the things I love the most about the sport. If you can't boat, we are going to know pretty quickly after hitting the water. Point is, kayaking is not something you simply decide to start doing.............Now, what happens when you give a non-paddler a SUP and ask them to demonstrate their natural abilities on some Class II whitewater...........they pretty much look the same as someone who has been SUPing whitewater for years..........why? Because it is not a skill based activity. (I refuse to use the word "sport" here) Anyone can jump on a board, man up, and eat shit. But more importantly, anyone can train at SUPing for years, man up, and eat shit as well.............guaranteed.
5. SUPing is a trend.................and trendy people suck! Trust me, I have lived most of my life in RVA.
6. It's a step backwards in the progression of whitewater paddle sports. This is my second fundamental argument of logic. Over the last 50 years, whitewater paddling has seen a steady progression in the knowledge of the sport, the gear and designs involved, and the abilities of the paddlers. This has allowed the pieces of whitewater being run to expand rapidly over a short amount of time.................enter new types of paddling mechanisms to test the waters further. Many SUPrs claim that the Paddle Board is the future of whitewater and is innovative............I just laughed so hard I pee'd my pants. In order to be the future of a sport, you must bring something new to the table, such as the The Anvil. The following video will demonstrate what progression in whitewater looks like....................
..................dropping Gorilla on a rivah board is some serious whitewater progression and has earned the Anvil and the sport a respected place in the whitewater community. Now, my question is this............When are we going to see a SUP drop Gorilla? The answer...........NEVER! And even if there ever is an attempted Gorilla drop on a SUP, the carnage that ensues will simply prove how pointless of an endeavor it truly was to begin with. The following video is a perfect example of the results of attempts to creek on a SUP..........................SUP South Silver.
I will give the guy making the attempt some credit. He is one tough bastard. He takes a serious beating falling over those waterfalls, and even gets his ass kicked by his own board. He would probably make a killer Hollywood stunt man. I also give him credit for proving how ridiculous creek SUPing actually is. Again, it doesn't take a whitewater expert to see just how stupid this activity is. The fact is, whitewater SUPing brings no positive progression to the sport of whitewater paddling.
7. It is an embarrassment to the whitewater world..............but then again, I guess everyone needs the special kid in the crowd. If whitewater sports were Simpsons characters, Bart would be kayaking, Lisa would be Open Boating, Homer would be rafting, the baby would be The Anvil, and SUP.........well, let's just say that Ralph always was one to focus on moral victories.................
8. This reason will be brought to you in pictures. I use to photograph whitewater, and when I did I spent an afternoon photographing a group of local boaters who attempted descents down the Class III Lower James. Let me be clear about this..........................I only photographed whitewater SUP for ONE DAY. These were the results. (it should be noted that the guys in these pictures are good guys and probably did better than most would do.)
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9. The haters will love this one....................I am 100% confident that I could begin to train in whitewater SUPing today and within three months be able to compete with the so called "best in the world" in regards to the activity. I am confident in this because I am still a solid athlete, have an in-depth understanding of whitewater, and don't mind taking a beating on a daily basis................I have also stood on a SUP and competed in whitewater for exactly one day of my life. I would post a pic of the results of that attempt here, but that would be just too easy.
10. “Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.”
~Albert Einstein~
In conclusion, I have known one of the leading athletes in the sport of SUPing for over a decade now, and he is successfully operating a SUP whitewater program on the Upper and Lower stretches of the James Rivah here in RVA. I have openly expressed my opinion to him many times about SUP, and he usually takes it pretty well. Recently I was engaged in a conversation with him about this upcoming post and during the discussion he responded................
" Tear it up man. You are an obvious authority on the suckiness of sup since you have to deal with the largest whitewater paddle boarding program in the world right on your home run."
This is a true statement, and I am proud of him for his accomplishment and wish him all the best in his future endeavor. But in regards to his response, I would just like to say this...........
" I am sure the smartest kid on the short bus is proud of his accomplishment as well, but you don't see him running into the school to tell all the cool kids about it, now do you."
Go back to the flat water and know your role. See ya on the rivah........... ..........hopefully trying to Be Moore than what we have all been in the past. PEACE
5. SUPing is a trend.................and trendy people suck! Trust me, I have lived most of my life in RVA.
6. It's a step backwards in the progression of whitewater paddle sports. This is my second fundamental argument of logic. Over the last 50 years, whitewater paddling has seen a steady progression in the knowledge of the sport, the gear and designs involved, and the abilities of the paddlers. This has allowed the pieces of whitewater being run to expand rapidly over a short amount of time.................enter new types of paddling mechanisms to test the waters further. Many SUPrs claim that the Paddle Board is the future of whitewater and is innovative............I just laughed so hard I pee'd my pants. In order to be the future of a sport, you must bring something new to the table, such as the The Anvil. The following video will demonstrate what progression in whitewater looks like....................
..................dropping Gorilla on a rivah board is some serious whitewater progression and has earned the Anvil and the sport a respected place in the whitewater community. Now, my question is this............When are we going to see a SUP drop Gorilla? The answer...........NEVER! And even if there ever is an attempted Gorilla drop on a SUP, the carnage that ensues will simply prove how pointless of an endeavor it truly was to begin with. The following video is a perfect example of the results of attempts to creek on a SUP..........................SUP South Silver.
I will give the guy making the attempt some credit. He is one tough bastard. He takes a serious beating falling over those waterfalls, and even gets his ass kicked by his own board. He would probably make a killer Hollywood stunt man. I also give him credit for proving how ridiculous creek SUPing actually is. Again, it doesn't take a whitewater expert to see just how stupid this activity is. The fact is, whitewater SUPing brings no positive progression to the sport of whitewater paddling.
7. It is an embarrassment to the whitewater world..............but then again, I guess everyone needs the special kid in the crowd. If whitewater sports were Simpsons characters, Bart would be kayaking, Lisa would be Open Boating, Homer would be rafting, the baby would be The Anvil, and SUP.........well, let's just say that Ralph always was one to focus on moral victories.................
8. This reason will be brought to you in pictures. I use to photograph whitewater, and when I did I spent an afternoon photographing a group of local boaters who attempted descents down the Class III Lower James. Let me be clear about this..........................I only photographed whitewater SUP for ONE DAY. These were the results. (it should be noted that the guys in these pictures are good guys and probably did better than most would do.)
 |
| I put this in to show that sometimes even a blind squirrel finds a nut.......and because it is a sweet ass picture that I took. |
9. The haters will love this one....................I am 100% confident that I could begin to train in whitewater SUPing today and within three months be able to compete with the so called "best in the world" in regards to the activity. I am confident in this because I am still a solid athlete, have an in-depth understanding of whitewater, and don't mind taking a beating on a daily basis................I have also stood on a SUP and competed in whitewater for exactly one day of my life. I would post a pic of the results of that attempt here, but that would be just too easy.
10. “Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.”
~Albert Einstein~
In conclusion, I have known one of the leading athletes in the sport of SUPing for over a decade now, and he is successfully operating a SUP whitewater program on the Upper and Lower stretches of the James Rivah here in RVA. I have openly expressed my opinion to him many times about SUP, and he usually takes it pretty well. Recently I was engaged in a conversation with him about this upcoming post and during the discussion he responded................
" Tear it up man. You are an obvious authority on the suckiness of sup since you have to deal with the largest whitewater paddle boarding program in the world right on your home run."
This is a true statement, and I am proud of him for his accomplishment and wish him all the best in his future endeavor. But in regards to his response, I would just like to say this...........
" I am sure the smartest kid on the short bus is proud of his accomplishment as well, but you don't see him running into the school to tell all the cool kids about it, now do you."
Go back to the flat water and know your role. See ya on the rivah........... ..........hopefully trying to Be Moore than what we have all been in the past. PEACE
