~Soren Kierkegaard~
The Island Chronicles is on hiatus. The story will be finished, but I am taking time to think before I speak, edit before I post, and write from my heart, not from the fire which burns inside me................easier said than done. That fire is what makes me who I am. But I need to find a balance, and I am working on it. Apparently modern society is not ready for someone like me, or ready for what I have to say, so in response I am going to try and behave myself while still holding on to that edge that makes my writing blunt, honest, to the point, and sometimes unfiltered.
The past two years of my life have been one hell of a wild ride. There was adventure, tragedy, sorrow, excitement, one time encounters, sadness, enlightenment, joy, new discoveries, risk, chance, failure, and success, plus a hell of a lot more. The successes are what I hope to take away from it all. After two years of going non stop, pissing off as many peeps as I possibly could, and living life with no rules, I have found a little peace within myself, and am in a state of reflection. I only hope this state is what happens just before the state of growth and understanding, and hopefully peace within myself. So in the meantime I am using my head to guide me, instead of my heart, and the first question I asked myself is, "What have you learned?" Well, let's find out (My boy Thoreau gets center stage on this one)......................
"Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves."
~Henry David Thoreau~
"Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves."
~Henry David Thoreau~
The first lesson I learned is that living on an Island makes perfect sense to me. While living there I ate well, slept well, worked hard, was healthy, was content and sometimes happy (Mike knows what that feels like............to be sometimes happy). Modern society is a scary thing for someone like me to grasp. I spent most of my life forcing my mind to question everything that was simple and obvious to everyone else. Why do we sit and work 40, 50, 60 hours a week just so we can afford a bunch of shit we don't really need? Why do we feel the need to constantly grow our material wealth, collect new things, use possessions as a representation of who we are? Why do we watch the Today Show? Why did anyone create reality TV in the first place? Why is Miley Cyrus considered a role model, what the hell is twerking? What is the worlds obsession with Zombie's? Why do we make our lives as comfortable, as safe, as secure as possible, and then write books, create TV shows, and movies, and discuss things that are the exact opposite. Is it human nature to fight and survive before being content and secure? Is our human nature being compromised by the way we are teaching our children to live? When is the entire system going to fall, and when it does, what will be the outcome? If the system doesn't fail, will we be better human beings for it, or will we continue to allow the shit that we see, read, learn, and experience to define us based on a common idea that we should all be similar, live similar, and behave in an overly peaceful, controlled way? (after reading these questions hopefully you have a better understanding of why I lost it for a while)
These questions are what called me to The Island in the first place, and they are what call me back to it now. But there is one thing that keeps me grounded these days..................hope. The hope that one day I will run to my boys, hug them tight, and never again let them go. My life is defined by the two people in this world that the system has barred me from being with. Ironic, don't ya think? But I will see them again. It won't be tomorrow, or next month, or maybe even next year. Unfortunately Marcelle has made that clear. Every once in a while she responds to an email with one sentence. It always says the same thing.................."I want you to know that you will always be their father." Well Marcelle, actions speak louder than words. My message for you after two years is simple. I was always a good father. Let me see my children. You loved me, and I hurt you, and for that I deserved to lose you. But I never hurt my children. All I did was love them. Please stop doing what you are doing.
"The most I can do for my friend is simply be his friend."
~Henry David Thoreau~
"The most I can do for my friend is simply be his friend."
~Henry David Thoreau~
The second lesson I have learned is the lesson of friendship. I have true friends in my life now, along with the friends who have stuck by my side. Friends who see me for who I truly am, encourage my strengths, and don't judge me for my faults. In return all I can do is give them all of my respect, and that is what I try to do. I never would have known who sees me for me and who saw me for a benefit to themselves until all of this happened and until I did something as crazy as live on an Island. Once I moved there the real people showed up, and damn was it enlightening. All I did was sit on a giant rock and go kayaking, and write, and so much more came to me than I ever could have discovered out there. It was so simple, and yet so hard to do. I find that fascinating.
"It's not what you look at that matters, it's what you see."
~Henry David Thoreau~
The third lesson is that human behavior is habitual, and highly addictive. With that being said, smart phones will destroy the world. I chucked my phone in the rivah six months ago. It made life much simpler. Yes, it is a pain in the ass for others sometimes, but it helps me control my life. After six months without one, in a way I have discovered a whole new world................the real one. You should look up and try it sometime, because there is some pretty cool shit going on in it.
"If the machine of government is of such a nature that it requires you to be the agent of injustice to another, then, I say, break the law."
~Henry David Thoreau~
"If the machine of government is of such a nature that it requires you to be the agent of injustice to another, then, I say, break the law."
~Henry David Thoreau~
Lesson Four is that I do not believe we are a representation of our leadership, and I for one am thankful for that. This is not and will never be a blog about politics, but I chose to re-enter the modern world at an extremely fucked up time. Our leadership at the moment is an embarrassment. I am not referring to our current Administration, or Congress, or Republicans, or Democrats, or the Tea Party, or anyone else. I am referring to all of them. They are an embarrassment for the way they have behaved and the people they are representing. But most importantly I worry that the behaviors being exhibited are a foreshadow to our future......................actually, I don't want to think about politics. It scares me, so obviously I haven't figured this one out yet.................but I know this. To all those who "lead" our country...................shame on you!
"There is one consolation in being sick; and that is the possibility that you may recover to a better state than you were ever in before."
~Henry David Thoreau~
Lesson Five is that I need to be humble in life. There was quite a fire raging inside of me for the past three to four years, and I hold my emotions on my sleeve, so it was exhibited rather wildly...............I'm cool with that. I still have passion, and don't have any regrets, except for allowing the FSW to ever have a part in it, but it is what it is. I believe that everything that happens in this world has a purpose and happens for a reason, so I am excited for the opportunity to discover that purpose in the future of my life. My life is an empty canvas at the moment, and for the first time ever I have the brushes and colors to paint whatever picture I choose. Being humbled is what has given me those tools, and I am grateful for that.
"Many men go fishing all of their lives without knowing that it is not fish they are after."
~Henry David Thoreau~
~Henry David Thoreau~
Lesson Six is that I need to learn to love myself before I can love another. I loved Marcelle, and still do love the memory of her, but I never loved myself when I was with her. I viewed myself as trash, and because of that I chose to be with trash, with the Fourteenth Street Whore. The FSW represented nothing more than what I saw in myself. I never felt that I deserved to be with Marcelle, and I think I sabotaged what we had because of that. I knew Marcelle loved me, more than anyone could imagine, and I truly loved her. I just couldn't accept her for whom she was and she couldn't accept me for who I was. It is tragic, because there was very deep love there, and I threw it away. Somehow, one day, I will have to forgive myself.
"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined."
~Henry David Thoreau~
Lesson 7 is that I am lucky. I am lucky because I have had the ability to experience a freedom in adulthood that few people ever get to experience, and that freedom was wonderful. The trick now is finding a way to hold on to that freedom while accepting some of the flaws of our society. But for a spring and summer, and really for the last two years, my freedom in this world was untouched. It is pretty amazing I survived as well as I did for as long as I did. One of the only ways I did it was the goodwill of others, and for that I am extremely lucky.
"This world is but a canvas to our imagination."
~Henry David Thoreau~
And finally, Lesson 8, the most important one. The past is what it is, and the future is what we make it. I think that speaks for itself.............................there are so many more lessons that have been learned, and many of them are more important than these. But these are my thoughts for today. After six months on The Island I will never be the same, and that is a good thing. I have come a long way, but have an even longer way to go. With that being said, I hope you enjoy the next post................Round 5: The Story of Marcelle and Me...........you may be surprised how it reads.
"It is a characteristic of wisdom not to do desperate things."
~Henry David Thoreau~
"It is a characteristic of wisdom not to do desperate things."
~Henry David Thoreau~
See ya on the rivah.....................hopefully on my return to The Island one day.
P.S. I can't believe I am about to say this, but I am a little bored of kayaking. A year like the one I lived will do that to ya. I am looking for something new....................and I think I found it.
